Testosterone update - seven months on T

On November 26th (at approximately six months on T) I saw Dr. Thorp. I started six pumps of 1.62% gel the next day. Six pumps is a lot of goop to smear on your body. Especially when it pretty much has to go on your shoulders in the area to be covered by a T-shirt. I asked Thorp about other potential application sites and she recommended the inner thigh, with the warning that I might grow hair there faster. Not something I'm worried about! :)

So...for the last month I have been applying two pumps to each shoulder and one to each thigh. Still no ill effects, it would seem.

At my Nov. visit my levels were still low-normal for a cis-guy, and she said she'd like to see my levels closer to double that. And she didn't want to see me for three to four months. 

However.

I'm still experiencing some bleeding and cramping and she said that if that didn't stop before I was to see her, she wanted me to call and she would order tests of my estrogen levels and an ultrasound to see what's up. I can't say how frustrating the bleeding and cramping are.  It makes me feel awful. And I'm not relishing the idea of a vaginal ultrasound, but if we can figure out what is up, that would be great. Potentially the result could mean a hysto sooner rather than later, and I haven't figured out how i feel about that.  On one hand I feel like everything would be better if I didn't have competing hormones. On the other hand it means no more eggs and therefore no little mes running around. BUT I've never wanted to give birth to children. So why do I care? A little part of me wishes my genetic material could live on. I have pretty awesome genes.

So there's that.

In other developments, the major changes have included:

- more hair growth on my chest and stomach, back, and legs and arms.  Even my scars are growing hair, which is really exciting.

- my muscles keep growing w/o much gym activity from me. My biceps have grown over an inch, as has my neck.

- my shape continues to shift toward a more male silhouette.  I have lost about 25 lbs, which is helping with the shape business, too.

- I can't sing high or call for the dogs in a higher register any more.  My voice cracks when I try to call the dogs in my "normal" voice, so I am finding myself lowering the pitch so that it comes out okay and not squeaky.  A couple of people have commented on my voice changing, but I still can't really hear it for myself. Certainly I'm not "passing" yet on the phone or even in "the flesh." But it'll come. It's getting better.

I'm thinking about switching to shots, but I don't want to abandon the gel yet. Stay tuned for more info.

Testosterone update

I'm up to 3 pumps daily of 1.62% Androgel.

It is a lot of goop to spread on your shoulders, but it works out okay. I just have to time the application as I'm getting ready in the morning, so that the first layer has time to dry before the second layer.  My system will work for up to four pumps.  If I hit more than that I'm going to have to devise a new system. Or potentially apply T twice daily.

What's changed?

I am HAIRY.  That's a big change because I wasn't a particularly hairy person before; now almost every surface is covered in some sort of hair. Most of it is blond fuzzies, but much of it is on the darker side, and I anticipate that it'll just get darker.  Potentially I'll just be blond, though. How bad could that be?  It might be okay.  I'd rather have some darker hair, though.  But only time will tell what the T fairy will bring!

My upper register in my chest voice is GONE. I can still get there in my head voice (although it is tougher, and it cracks a bit) but I don't sound any different to myself with my every day speaking voice.  It is the singing voice that appears to have had the most effect from the T. I was a soprano to begin with.  I'll make a recording this weekend and see how it compares to the other two. Admittedly I have sucked at making voice recordings documenting the change to my voice.  I'm going to try to do a better job of that, making a recording weekly from now on. That may or may not get posted here. Haven't figured out how to do that yet.

I have gained weight.  This is due in part to my constant hunger. Not sure if that's related to T or not, but it is troublesome. Because I'm so hungry all the time, I'm not watching my caloric intake. And I haven't been exercising as much as I should be.  Those two things in concert, even without the T would make me gain weight.  But I do think the hunger has something to do with the T. That's just my experience, though.  I am not craving red meat like some people have claimed has happened to them. But, as in all things, Your Mileage May Vary (YMMV).

My weight has shifted around.  My face is a little squarer; my hip and butt fat has moved around. All my weight is carried in front now. That's not super different from where it was carried before, but the weight has shifted away from my hips and my butt and is definitely ALL in front now.  Fun stuff.  Makes it clear to me that I need to a) eat differently and b) get to the gym!

I think that covers most of the changes I've seen so far.  No issues with anger or irritation like I've heard from people who take intramuscular T, so that's nice. No hormonal/mood ups and downs, so that's great, too. I like where things are going. I'm a little impatient, but not TOO impatient!

It's a boy!

My new birth certificate arrived on Friday.  Oh happy day!  This means I'm official.
Now I just have to address all the pesky other, smaller, things that are on my list of things to do.

I can't say enough how fantastic everyone has been through this process. Tons of understanding medical professionals, government employees; a fleet of understanding family members and one amazingly unbelievably understanding soon-to-be spouse have all made this transition possible.

So, thank you to all of you who have been there for me, from the MN Trans Health Coalitions Transmasculine group to my partner and everyone in between and beyond. I am beyond lucky and beyond honored to count all of you among my acquaintances, friends and family.

A special great big humongous rib-shattering thank you hug and a kiss to Brandi, too, for making possible what I never thought would or could happen.

Social Security card achievement unlocked

On Friday September 20th, I received my not-so-shiny new Social Security card in the mail.
It actually took about 14 days for it to arrive, just as the gentleman at the SSA office said it would.

Let me warn folks who want to change their Soc. Sec. information to take at least a half day, if not a whole day to do it.

There is only one Social Security Administration Office in the metro who handles new SS cards.  It is on Chicago Avenue in Minneapolis and it is HOPPING!  I got there at 2 and didn't leave until close to 4:30 thanks to the masses of people there to get their cards.  They have a separate card office around the back of the building (with plenty of parking back there) which is different from the part of the building where you access your benefits, so that's good. But there were probably 100 people in there when I got there.

When my number was called, I presented my old Social Security Card, my name change order, my drivers license and yellow renewal slip, and that was it.  He changed my name and gender in the computer; showed me the printout so that I could ensure it was correct; and gave me a receipt to take home with me proving that it had been changed and that my card would arrive in 14 days, which it did.  No fees or anything.  Easy as pie. 

Still waiting on the DL to arrive - should be here soon.  And the kind folks at the Connecticut State Vital Statistics Office are processing my request as we speak. So that should arrive soon.

I suppose I should start to change my name in all the other places - bank, medical clinics, etc...That sounds tedious and hard, but I'm all over it!

Birth certificate

Package to State of Connecticut re: birth certificate

The check is in the mail!

Well, the letter and documentation and money order addressed to "Treasurer, State of Connecticut" are in the mail; headed to my new friend Maria Colon at the CT Department of Vital Statistics.

She emailed me the necessary forms to change my name and gender on my birth certificate and after getting the surgeon and my therapist to both get affidavits signed and notarized and sent back to me, all the required documentation is in the envelope and it is on its way!

So, for those Yankees out there who need to change their birth certificate, here's the skinny:

Call Maria Colon at the state vital statistics office and get her to send you an email with the forms in it (or contact me and I'll get them to you). Those forms include the birth certificate order form and two affidavits, one from your surgeon and one from your licensed therapist (psychologist, psychiatrist or LCSW). Get those filled out and notarized (most banks have a free notary service available to you) and then mail them, the filled out birth certificate order form and a money order made payable to "Treasurer, State of Connecticut" for $30.00, along with a current photo ID. I had to include two photo IDs because I don't have my new MN driver's license with my new name on it yet, but I do have a government issued work ID.

Connecticut amends your birth record. It will not take three months to process (the recorded message at the state vital statistics office says requests are being processed in three months, but Maria Colon - my new friend in CT - stated that it would not take three months to process). They will seal the old record and hide it away forever.  A new birth certificate will be issued with the new information on it. It will not be marked "amended," which is a nice thing that the state is doing for trans* people.

I'll post again when I get the new birth certificate with an update of how long it took for them to get it back to me etc...

Starbucks: the final frontier

I have a problem, and it isn't my addiction to dark roast coffee in the mornings.

I can't figure out how to tell the folks at Starbucks (who greet me by my birth name every morning, without fail) my new name. I don't think I need to tell them my new gender identity - that'll get figured out eventually - but I do need to get them to start calling me Jake.

I had a go of it yesterday - after my name change hearing I went in to get a coffee and breakfast and when asked my name for the breakfast item's bag, I said, "Jake."  So he put "Jake" on the bag. No problem.  But this guy was new.

So when the old (as in long-time employee) guy, one of my longest-serving baristas, picked it up to deliver it to me, he said, "Jake! Is there a Jake in the house?"  So I headed over to pick it up and said, "That's me!" and he said, "Oh, okay, "K___."  Epic fail on my part.

I have no idea how to approach this. I know I should say something simple like, "It is Jake now." But they address me first, so I have a difficult time "correcting" them. I know I need to advocate for myself. And I really doubt that Starbucks is going to stop serving me for some irrational reason. But there's something about putting it out there in person that's difficult for me.

Hell, my gold Starbucks card even says "Jake" on it. So what is my problem?

Name change hearing and birthday!

Today I turn 37.  Who knew, when I was 27 and doing this the first time 'round, that I'd actually arrive at this day, a decade later? Who knew, when I was 19 and figuring this stuff out for the first time ever, that this day would come?

I am so grateful to have arrived at this day today. I could not have done it without the amazing support of Brandi and all my wonderful friends, family, co-workers and medical professionals.

Today I got my name officially changed at the Ramsey County Courthouse with Brandi and one of my oldest friends, CJ, by my side, along with CJ's wife.  It was smooth as silk, with no trouble and all orders being signed as I requested.  I had to verify that I wasn't avoiding any debts and they had to verify that I have not been convicted of any crimes, and then the witnesses vouched for me, and she signed the forms and sent us on our way.

I have to still go pick up some copies - they're not ready right away - but I'm official!
Now I can start changing my name with social security, on my driver's license, my birth certificate, etc. I have in my hot little hands a letter from my surgeon indicating that I've undergone gender reassignment surgery and that she is of the opinion that I am male. I will send that off with my name change order and some forms to the Vital Records folks for the town I was born in in CT, and I will apply for a new DL and request a variance for gender change, along with that documentation, and I will head on down to the Social Security Administration to change that as well.  I am so thrilled and excited I can barely contain myself.

What a great birthday!

Name change hearing date set

Just wandered over to the Ramsey County courthouse across the street to apply for my name change and get my hearing date set.

The woman who took my application and paperwork was incredibly nice and helpful.  It was very easy and I got no trouble from anyone.

The date is set for my birthday, which is really exciting for me. That's what I've wanted all along and it worked out perfectly because all name-change hearings are held on Wednesdays only and my birthday falls on a Wednesday!

I included in the order a request for all documents to be changed to reflect my new gender as well.  That paired with the letters that should be arriving from Dr. Buckley's office this week should suffice for the CT vital records people for my birth certificate to be changed.

Hooray!

Part 3: Two-week check up/two-weeks post op

Visited with Dr. Buckley late yesterday to address the slight puffiness on the left hand side and to pick up some more dressings. 

After a quick poke at me, she determined that dressings were not needed any more and that the puffiness will likely go away on its own. It still might not, but there's nothing she can do about it.  That's okay.  I'll just work out so that both sides match!

It is super interesting/strange/funny/weird to not have dressings on anymore.  My shirt is actually touching my skin all over.  Haven't felt that feeling since before I had to wear a bra.  So strange and so cool at the same time. I'm feeling a little sore, but nothing that a little ibuprofen can't take care of.

All part of the healing process, right?

Buckley was super pleased with my progress over the last week and is really happy with the result, as am I.  The adhesive over the incisions is finally starting to flake off, and everything is looking pink and healthy. Couldn't have asked for a better turn out, really. So grateful that we have someone like Buckley in town willing to work with insurance.  Also grateful that insurance is taking such good care of me. She wants to see me again in about three months for final photos and a final check up.  Very exciting.


Two more weeks before I can hit the pool or start lifting weights again.  It is very hard for me to keep being inactive in the upper body, but I'm getting used to it.  At the gym I've been using the recumbent exercise bike and that seems to work well.

New url

I had to eliminate the original URL for this blog because it pointed to my old email address.

New URL is missiontoman2.blogspot.com.

Please redirect accordingly.

Part 3: My wonderful workplace

Upon arriving at work this morning at 7 a.m., I was met by a lovely surprise! Several of them in fact.

My co-workers left me a welcome back tie with rubber duckies on it and note pads with my name on them!  There was even an extra little gift from one of our interns featuring a tiny MN license plate with "Jake" on it.  I was overwhelmed with the thoughtfulness of my coworkers and overjoyed, once again, to be a part of such a great organization with such great people in it.

To top off the great support from my colleagues, my login and email and everything were also all changed over when I booted up the computer this morning.  And, just a few moments ago, the head of admin for the department dropped off my new badges with the right name on them as well.

What a red-letter day!  I am so thrilled to be back and work and getting lots of work done and being among such supportive co-workers.  I am a very grateful person today. Thank you, universe!

The proposal

Because Brandi is a very special girl, I knew I had to ask her to marry me before some other hot person came along and swept her away.  I knew, too, that she was a definite keeper after spending a week stripping my drains and washing me up.  Good thing she's a nurse!

But seriously, she's amazing and I love her terribly, and I'm super fortunate to have her in my life, and so have been planning to surprise her with an engagement ring for a while.  I even kept it at my office so that she couldn't find it and suspect something. I REALLY, REALLY wanted to surprise her.  That was the most important part of my plan.

Brandi's birthday was also on Monday (July 29th) and I knew that sitting at home and watching TV wouldn't be her ideal way to spend her birthday, because her birthday is super exciting and important to her.  Thus, I had to come up with a plan.

The initial plan was to wait until August 1 to propose because our anniversary is on a "1" and we hope to get married on a "1" but I decided that an awesome birthday present and surprise would be to propose on her birthday.

We drove to our favorite place in the cities - Minnehaha Falls - and walked around a bit and looked at the gorgeous rushing falls.  Way more full than they've ever been since we've been going.  Minnehaha Falls was also where I took Brandi on our first date, so it is an extra special place for us.  Since I can't drive, I took her a different route from the way we usually go, so she was quite unsuspecting for a long time about where we were headed.

We finally got there and I (who had kept the ring a secret since bringing it home from work two Fridays ago, amazingly enough, despite being pretty much reliant upon Brandi for everything), leaned up against the wall with the falls behind me and told her, "I have something for you. It is in my pocket." She reached for my right pants pocket, and I said, "Nope, not that pocket;" so she reached for my LEFT pants pocket and I said, "Nope, not that pocket, either."  So she reached into the chest pocket of my button down shirt and pulled it out and, said, "It's my ring!"  So I said, "Will you marry me?" And with tears in her eyes she nodded "yes."

And that is how we spent the morning of Brandi's birthday and the day one week after surgery - getting engaged.

Part 3: One week post-surgery

This morning we got up bright and early and headed over to the University to get the staples and sutures out of my nipples (or, as Dr. Buckley likes to call them, "nippies") and the drains pulled.

We had already unwrapped the original dressing this weekend and taken a quick look.  Everything looked great, except for a little puffiness on the left-hand side, but no big deal.  After a great re-wrap by nurse Brandi, I was ready to go for a few more days before it was time to head back to the doctor.

I had two students helping out the nurse who took out the drains and the sutures.  Each student took care of one drain and they pulled them both out at the same time.  It wasn't in the least bit painful, but it was a bizarre feeling as I could feel the tubing coming out all the way from the middle of my chest to the holes in my sides.  Bizarre, but painless.  I was way more afraid of it than I needed to be. Mostly because the drain sites were irritating me all week, so I thought getting them out would be irritating, too. Not so!

The nurse tackled the nipples next.  The dressings were sutured and stapled on to my nipples to better protect them since they're a skin graft.  The dressings needed to be removed very carefully to ensure that the nipples didn't come off. She did a great job, despite the plethora of staples Buckley had put in there, and the very tight sutures.  The nipples look pretty good. The right one is nearly perfect and the left one "shifted" a bit, but should be fine when healed. Fine enough, anyway.

I definitely now have a flat, male-contoured chest that makes me feel very excited when I look in the mirror. I now look in the mirror the way I've always pictured myself looking.  I probably could have cried the first time I saw it if I were the crying type.

My chest still feels a little odd because it is healing, but I definitely still have feeling throughout my chest, although not on the nipples, which makes sense, as they're a graft.

I'm now to place a dressing over each nipple for a week, which is held down by a waterproof Tegaderm patch. I can shower, but I can't let the nipples get hit by the water for another week or so.  I'll probably protect those bad boys a long time, because I certainly don't want them dropping off!

I'm really pleased with the results and I'm really pleased with the care Buckley took with me.  Yes, the scars are long, but she pretty much was able to avoid dog ears, which I was worried about a lot. I was a 36 DDD before surgery, plus I'm overweight, so the combination meant that I was likely to have dog ears; but she did a damn good job.  She's a great person and a great doctor and a great surgeon.  I'm lucky to have worked with her and her team and super fortunate/lucky/privileged to have insurance to pay for all of this.  It never would have happened if not for that.

It also never would have happened without Brandi, so I thank her for that as well.

Other highlights from the week of recovery include flowers and fruit and adorable cards from family and friends, and coloring books and colored pencils from my Mom, who is fantastic in her own right.

Part 3: Post-surgery day 1

Dateline: Sunday, July 21, through Tuesday, July 23.

I am truly blessed to have such a fantastic partner in Brandi.  As a nurse, she is able to take extraordinary care of me. And that started with Sunday night, the night before surgery. She was able to walk me through, again, what would happen the day of.  It was very reassuring and helped with my extreme anxiety that evening, as did the Xanax :).

I'm not sure what I was most worried about: never waking up again, or being dissatisfied upon waking.  I've never had general anesthesia before and I was very worried about how that would go. Turns out it wasn't so bad.  I also had some fear that I'd feel regret.  But at the same time I knew that I was absolutely doing the right thing for me and for the rest of my life.  I've been waiting for this for so long. Wanting it and waiting for it and finally that thing I thought might never be possible was about to come true.  Truly frightening and exciting at the same time.

We woke up at 4:30 a.m. to get ready for our 5:45 arrival at the University of Minnesota Medical Center - Fairview on the East Bank of the University. Somehow we got out of the house by about 5:05 a.m. and were at the hospital by 5:20, which turned out to be pretty fortunate because we were second in line, and followed by at least three other groups of people.  Check in went smoothly and then we headed up to the surgical floor, which is under construction, and so the waiting lounge is quite far away from the pre-surgical area. That being said, the newly constructed areas are really nice.

The only time I wasn't called Jake was with the woman at the registration desk, and at first in the waiting room area. But that woman actually came back to apologize and was really sweet about it and let us know that she'd make sure that every one else knew that I prefer Jake, and it ended up on the cover of my chart in big letters and everyone else got it right 100% of the time.

We didn't wait very long before they took me back (by myself) to the pre-surgical area and they took my vitals and got me gowned and ready to go.  Not long after Brandi was able to come back and she was with me through the placement of the IV and the visit by Buckley - who gave me a fist bump on her way out; she's so adorable - who marked me up and talked through the procedure.  Then it was off to surgery. Buckley said that she had the room booked to 12:15, so I was to be in there between 7:45 and 12:15, approximately, depending upon how it went.

Turns out Buckley was in the waiting area talking to my partner by 12:20. And apparently she was thrilled with the results.  I haven't seen them yet :)

I remember getting on the table, and talking to the staff and having the oxygen mask put on, and then I remember waking up.  It was amazing. I woke up feeling like I had had duct tape placed on my skin and then ripped off.  The pain wasn't too bad but it was definitely in the 7-8 range at first, in the PACU. After a little fentanyl and dilaudid, I was feeling much better and then they took me up to the recovery area, where I did not feel well at all for a long time. We were there until about 4:30 because I was very sick to my stomach.  We almost had to stay the night, but we asked if we could get some anti-emetic to take home and head home that day. Buckley okayed that and so we were off after a quick stop at the pharmacy for the anti-emetic.

Getting home was great. It was so nice to be home by dinner time and on my own couch in my own home with my own personal nurse.  Dinner didn't sit well with me, so there was some more upset stomach, but after that I felt much better.

The situation with my chest is drains on each side plus an ON-Q pump that delivers a longer-acting lidocaine-like medication to the incisions to keep them from hurting too much.  All that is under kerlix gauze wrapped with a big ace wrap.  My nipples and scars feel kind of burn-y but not all the time. The pain meds are helping a lot. Last night (Monday night) I didn't need as much as I thought I would, so that was cool.

Buckley was amazing.  She told Brandi that she was super satisfied with the results and that the incisions go back pretty far to minimize dog ears, which makes me happy. She's so laid back and super confident at the same time which had a real calming effect on me.  Although I haven't seen what's under the wrapping yet, I'm really excited about it.

Words can't express how fantastic it feels to look down and see flat chest, knowing that there are pecs under there that I can continue to build up and create that awesome male contoured chest I've always wanted. I feel like I've taking the body that betrayed me so long ago and "fixed" it so that I can now look in the mirror and see me.  Here's the draw back - I'm definitely overweight, and while it is something I'm actively working on, I now look down at my stomach and it looks disproportionately large to me.  I can also see that my shape is shifting at the same time, so more weight will be carried there. I just need to make sure I don't gain too much weight while I can't exercise, so that I can start building those abs and shrinking that stomach.

Monday night was odd, sleep-wise, but I've been sleeping on and off all day today, and I'm feeling pretty good, but a bit sore and generally tired.

I think that's about all I've got for today.

Part 2: identity

A truly special old friend said to me the other day that, "any person who grows up in a role never completely leaves that role," regarding my loss of "sorority" in transitioning to male. She went on to say, wisely, "How often do we hear 'men just don't get it.' You get to get it."

And that's what I have to remind myself when I fear the unknown of "manhood."  Yes, I'm going to (eventually) pass as a white male. And yes, that comes with a ton of privilege.  But it also comes with a responsibility to remember where I came from, what made me who I am, and how I use that privilege.

But what made me who I am? And what am I now? So much of my life revolved around being in the lesbian community.  And my partner identifies extremely strongly as a lesbian. Can she be a lesbian if she's with a man?  What if that man is a transman?   Doesn't that make us "queer," in the truest sense of the word?

I definitely think of my identity as "queer."  As a young, newly out, college student, I had a hard time with any word that wasn't the word "gay" to describe me. Lesbian felt funny and awkward in my mouth. And as someone who started to identify as trans* VERY shortly after identifying as gay, being called a lesbian felt awkward and funny, too. But there I was: female bodied and dating women. So obviously I was a lesbian. I awkwardly checked boxes on GLBTQ health studies as "lesbian" and "transgender," which must have made me seem like a lesbian transwoman to researchers, which skewed their results, I'm sure.  But I'm pretty comfortable now with the transman identity.  I've always felt more like one of the guys, than a lesbian, even when surrounded by lesbians.

But if I'm a transman, in a relationship with a lesbian, what does that make her?  It makes her, as she so rightly pointed out, a lesbian in love with a transman. And that's okay. I don't feel like she's invalidating my manhood by claiming her lesbianism and proclaiming it loudly. I feel like we're just two people in love, no matter what our physical makeup.  And I can proudly continue to be queer.

Part 2: Experiencing "exceptional"

I just want to point out that I work for an exceptional organization.

From supporting this transition, to having excellent benefits, all has gone much better than I ever could have expected. And why didn't expect it? I don't know. I should have. I'm exceptionally lucky and privileged to be a part of this.

In other news, we came out on Facebook last night and the support was overwhelming.

Thanks to all my friends, family, and co-workers for being exceptional people. I am lucky and privileged to have you all in my life.

Part 2: Coming out even more - the work email

Monday, July 15 at 9:00 a.m.

The work email went out today and there has been an outpouring of supportive emails and phone calls ever since it went out.  It has been an amazing morning.

As my work-friend ____ said, hopefully co-workers will give me the support and respect I deserve and the "close-minded will zipper it, which they should."  That's really all I can hope for.

I have yet to hear from anyone who is upset about it. Undoubtedly they'll keep that to themselves or go to the big boss or a supervisor about it.

I'm still super nervous, but the six emails of support I've gotten and one phone call have put me much more at ease.

I really, truly appreciate all my wonderful colleagues in my department and across the city and I look forward to many more years with them.

Update 12 p.m.

I have 16 supportive emails sitting in my inbox. I have gotten two hugs, a pat on the back and two phone calls. My organization is fantastic.

Update 2:30 p.m.

Just sent out the email to colleagues outside the organization. The support continues to pour in. Even if just in a few words.  I feel so privileged to be a part of this organization.

Part 2: Testosterone update and coming out some more

Oh boy.

The leadership team here at the office is finding out about me today.  That adds to the group another five people who know at work.  Wow. I have butterflies. I have no doubt that it will go just fine, but it is a little bit intimidating.

In other news, I met with Dr. Thorp yesterday and she upped my T dose.  My serum level was at 400, which is low-normal for a cis-guy - so I was pretty happy about that.  She pretty much said she thought I was using more than 2 pumps since my serum level was so good, without actually calling me out on it. But I was honest with her and said that in fact, I'm only using two pumps but I'm using gloves etc...to ensure that I get the best results I can.

Thorp asked about changes I've experienced and my general well-being, which was great.  And she suggested something called "danazol" which is often used to tread endometriosis, but it is an androgen and has a masculinizing effect so they don't often use it anymore. It is designed to help keep me from cramping and bleeding the bit that I still am. So hopefully that'll work out well for me.

Then she suggested increasing my dose of T to three pumps of the 1% solution of Androgel.  I asked if there was any reason not to do two pumps of the 1.62% solution, instead, and she said there was not. So I suggested that as an increased dose instead of the three pumps of 1% and she said that would be fine, it would just be a matter of getting the insurance co. to approve it.

We'll see how that goes when my partner drops of the 'scrip at Costco this afternoon.  I imagine it will have to be pre-authorized again, which is fine. I have plenty of the 1% solution left and put on three pumps today :). And it is on the formulary.  HealthPartners doesn't seem to discriminate between the 1.62% and the 1% on the formulary for some reason.

Part 2: Testosterone update

So I've been on testosterone since May 25th, so that's six weeks.


I have gotten a little more facial hair - all blonde and soft - but I shaved it off on July 4.  That was a fun and interesting process.  Shaving is harder than it looks!  But my face feels smooth and a little less soft, which I like. Other hair growth appears to be slow in coming in.

One thing that I have noticed, although I haven't noticed any actual pitch changes, are changes to my  ability to sing songs I once could sing. I used to be able to match pitch with songs on the radio (or, in yesterday's awful case, Guitar Hero) and now I can not.  I squeak and sound funny.  It is awful. It is like I can't make my voice go where I expect to go.  It makes me embarrassed for myself!

Emotionally I feel like the same, semi-detached person I've always felt like. I don't find it any harder (or easier, for that matter) to cry, and I don't find myself really more prone to anger.  Yes, I have gotten extra annoyed twice since starting "T" but generally I think that has more to do with my actual patience with the thing being discussed than any sort of "'roid rage."

I read an interesting article about how hormones can't change you innately, but your comfort in yourself may change you, and I think that's what's happening.  I definitely feel more comfortable with myself and more comfortable with the idea that I'm going to finally transition and become the man I've always known myself to be.

Surgery is in T minus 15 days - a half month. After decades of waiting. I'm a little nervous about surgery, but that's for another post.

Part 2: Coming out at work

So I've started to come out at work.  Not to many people, just to a few.  I've come out to two friends and they were both super supportive. I have a few more people I want to come out to one-on-one, but I'm not entirely sure how to go about it.

I came out to my immediate supervisor a few weeks ago.  She was amazingly supportive and vowed to work as hard as she could to ensure that the transition was an easy one.

About a week later I came out to the head of my department.  She, too, was great, until she asked me, "so...when [redacted]?"  To her credit she prefaced that statement with "I don't know how to talk about this, so forgive my ignorance."   But I was completely taken aback and really didn't know how to reply so I said something noncommittal.

Since then both the director and supervisor have spoken with representatives from HR, including the head of HR, and they have been very supportive and helpful as well.

I've written a letter to my colleagues and anticipate sending that out either the day before I leave or a few days before I leave.  I haven't decided yet.  In part coming out before I leave seems more noble and less cowardly, but doing it the day I leave for surgery feels more comfortable for me. But I'd like it to be most comfortable for my colleagues. Perhaps they'd like the chance to ask questions of me before I head out. But perhaps they'd like to avoid me for a few days. I just am unsure of what to do.

The letter has to go out to more than 120 people, which is totally intimidating and scary, but necessary.  I'm sure it'll all be fine. There are those who have gone before me to support me, but I still feel a little bit alone in all this, despite all the support from my supervisors.

Here's the letter:

Dear Colleagues,

I like to share a personal matter with you about a change I’m about to make that hopefully will have little or no impact on my work here within the agency or the working relationships that I've enjoyed with many of you over the years.  However, I feel it's important that you hear this directly from me, rather than impersonally through a third party or through rumors, gossip, etc., which we all know can often be misconstrued or misunderstood.  This is a matter that is essentially personal but will result in some changes at work.

You may begin to notice some changes in my appearance over the next couple months, and I feel I ought to explain why. I identify as transgender. I have had transgender feelings since I was six or seven, but I kept those feelings hidden and did my best to make my life work with my female body. Alas, my discomfort only increased, and several years ago I entered therapy to explore those feelings further.

Accordingly, I have been working with my therapist and doctors, following the Standards of Care that set out guidelines for transitioning from female to male. I have been living as male part-time among friends and family for six months, as Jake. Now it is time for me to live as my true self in all aspects of my life.

I've discussed this with HR and the administration and we have mutually agreed upon a transition start date for Monday, August 5th, when I return from chest reconstruction surgery.  On this date and thereafter, I will present as my true gender identity (male), and ask that you freely use the name Jake or Jacob and male gender markers or addresses when referring to me verbally or in writing, such as, he, him, sir, Mr. and so on...  Beginning on August 5,  I will also be using the men’s restroom. I realize this is a major adjustment, but I know most of you are fairly open minded, especially living and working here in Saint Paul, and have grown to expect the unexpected and experience a variety of lifestyles.  

For those of you not familiar with transgender issues, there’s a multitude of information on the Web and in literature, and I suggest you look there for more information,. I’ve included some links to basic information below. Feel free to ask questions. I'm happy to talk about most issues and my personal transition (with the possible exception of surgical procedures).

Some helpful resources may be found at the following links:

http://www.uua.org/lgbtq/identity/25348.shtml

http://web.mit.edu/trans/transbrochure.pdf

http://web.mit.edu/trans/tipsfortransallies.pdf

I’m very pleased to be able to take this step toward personal wholeness while staying at a job I have found very rewarding. Some of you may not understand the life changes I’m undertaking. I would be happy to answer your questions, or direct you to additional information. Some of you may not approve of what I’m doing; that is your right. However, I expect that everyone will treat me with basic human respect. I know this will take a little time to get used to, and I expect that you’ll make mistakes at first; if so, don’t worry about it. I won’t make a big deal out of it and we’ll move on. Thanks for your understanding.

Respectfully,

Jake __________

Part 2: Privilege

I am freaking out a bit about privilege.

I was in a meeting the other day with three women of color. And I was thinking, gosh, isn't it nice that we have these four women with quite a bit of power between them, being successful and all that jazz. And then I realized - in a few short months I'm not going to be even perceived as a woman anymore.  And I'll have lost that little "womanhood" thing that professional women have.

So that kind of sucks. I don't really want to be "the man" that I will be when I'm perceived as a straight white male.  That's not me at all. I've always been queer, and I've always had that sort of thing where I could say to myself, "at least I'm perceived as a woman," and have some street cred among women.  But now I'll lose that, I guess.

So I guess it all comes down to, "what do I do with my privilege."  And I guess I'll need to use it to support women. But then that sort of smacks of a weird paternalism - like that woman needs my help because she's a woman and she's not as respected or whatever. But that's not true.

I have never ever felt like a second-class citizen as a woman. I've never felt like I've been treated differently, or talked down to, or any of those things that I've heard about. But just in recent times I've thought about losing that camaraderie of women thing. That thing that's like, "we're women against the world" kind of thing. I've NEVER felt that way before until I was about to lose it. You don't know what you've got 'til it's gone, I guess. Weird.

Part 2: Surgery date set

So I have been putting off writing this post for a while since we've been super busy.

I am 10 days on testosterone (nothing happening) and I set my surgery date for July 22.

I am thrilled that HealthPartners approved my prior authorization for top surgery within literally three days of it being submitted. What an amazing thing to have such a supportive insurance company!

I am super nervous about surgery because I've never had anything more than my wisdom teeth removed.  It is really scary to think about being put under anesthesia for up to six or so hours. I really hope she does it faster than that, but I also understand that I want her to take her time and do a good job, so I don't want a rush job. I think she's a bit of a perfectionist, however, so I think that's a good thing.

I can't believe this is really happening to me.  The thing I have wanted the most in all the world (other than a wonderful partner and a family, which I have already) is coming true. It is really hard to believe that after all this time I'm finally going to become the person I always wanted to be.

In other news, we got a new puppy and a new car.

Part 2: Androgel day two

Today is day two of AndroGel and boy is it somewhat anti-climactic!

I put it on in the morning yesterday for the first time and that was fun, but because nothing is "happening" it is kind of boring.  I know it is working its way into my system and will build up and stuff will start to happen eventually, but right now it is sort of the equivalent of putting on lotion when your skin is dry.

I'm hoping I start to see changes before my next doctor's visit which is in six weeks.  I get labs drawn in five weeks and have a meeting with the doctor in six, because it takes a week to get the lab results back.  But I'm guessing nothing will change.  I also think she may up the dose when I see her, but I'm sure that's dependent upon labs.  She does up most people's dosages after six weeks so...we shall see. Two pumps isn't even listed on the prescribing sheet as a dose for men; that starts at four pumps.

It is super easy to put on, though, and dries much faster than I anticipated.  I just hope it is working its magic on me!!!!

I did a voice note today so that I have a recording of what I sound like "before" "T" and I'll do a voice note every week just to see what happens.  I also did a little short video so I can watch my face change, as well as my voice. I'm not posting those anywhere for now, or even potentially ever, but I'm excited to see the changes as they progress.

I can't believe that this is actually happening. I can't wait to see what things are like in a few weeks.

In disappointing news, I found out that my surgeon has yet to sign her notes from our visit two weeks ago so the administrative assistant hasn't been able to submit the paperwork for prior authorization yet.  The assistant told me that she asked Dr. Buckley's nurse to ensure that the notes were signed on Tuesday when Dr. Buckley is in the clinic next so that she can submit the prior authorization on Wednesday when she's back in the office. Let's hope that happens!

Part 2: Transitioning

Today is "T" Day!

Actually, tomorrow will be, but my partner picked up the prescription today from the pharmacy.

Here it is:

I'm both incredibly excited and incredibly anxious about this.

This is something I've wanted for more than two decades.  That's a long time to wait for something.
But how do I know that I've really wanted it. Maybe I just think I want it because I'm unhappy with myself.  The thing is, though, that I know that's not true. I AM happy with myself.
I have an amazing partner, a great place to live, a fantastic job, and stellar friends. My life couldn't be any better right now, unless I finally got to realize my dreams.  And that's what this picture represents. My dreams coming true.  How cool is that?

I knew talking this out would help.  Yay AndroGel!!!

Part 1: Testosterone prescription day

Well, "T"-Day is here. It has practically come and gone, actually.

Things are really real now. I have in my hands a prescription for testosterone gel (Androgel). Oddly enough, Costco was the only pharmacy near me with the right concentration of the gel (1%).  As soon as the prior authorization for the gel goes through, I can start hormone replacement therapy and will start developing male secondary sex characteristics.

Here's the 'script!!!!

Part 1: Coming out some more

I had lunch yesterday with a wonderful woman who was once a city council member and transitioned way back in the mid-80s as a very high-profile person in my city.  As a former deputy mayor and former head of my now department, I reached out to her, fairly randomly, to see if she had any advice to me.

She was FANTASTIC.  She allayed a lot of my fears, which was wonderful.  Boy do I look up to her.  What a pioneer!  And to do something in such a public manner - she's the Christine Jorgensen (or Renee Richards) of Minnesota!

We talked about how to approach coming out at work.  She said that there were many allies that I'd have in my department if I wanted them. And she said it would definitely be safe to come out to my boss w/o having HR involved directly, but she did recommend that I should contact HR right after coming out to my boss so that I have my bases covered.  She did not feel that I would find much difficulty.

So, to that end, I'm going to come out to one of my friends here at work on Monday. He's someone she suggested would be a good ally, and someone I really like and trust.  And then, once there's a plan in place, as far as surgery times, I'll come out to my boss and HR and then they can figure out a protocol, if there isn't one already. I'll take off for surgery as "old name" and return from surgery as "me" and all will be well in the world.  By the time I come back (I'm taking two weeks off) they'll be able to change my email and my business cards etc....

And, the sweetest thing that this woman said to me was that I should put her on my list of people to call if some thing, for some reason, goes wrong, and she'll make some phone calls for me and remind people that I have the law on my side.

What a great lunch and what a great person!

Part 1: Surgery consult

So I meant to post last night because I had pre-surgery consult jitters and I really wanted to get them out on paper, but that didn't happen.

It didn't happen because MN just passed marriage equality and we had to celebrate.

It is totally awesome because it means all my wonderful gay and lesbian  friends who have been either legally married somewhere else or had a ceremony, and all those just waiting for the right time, have the opportunity to finally have their relationships recognized as equal to the rest of the world.  Hooray!

But back to me :)

The consult with Dr. Buckley was wonderful. She barely remembered us from our last visit in the fall when I went in for a reduction consultation. We didn't mention transgender issues at all that time, even though she left the door open for the conversation at one point.  So this time we're in it for real.  We brought along the new HealthPartners policy, which was a good thing, because they were still operating from the 2011 policy.

Buckley is so laid back and easygoing, it makes her so easy to talk to.  She's hilarious in that she swears sometimes and is just all around laid back.  She doesn't strike me as a cocky surgeon at all, which I really like. She's super confident, that's for sure, but not cocky or abrasive or pushy.  She's obviously at ease with the procedure and knows exactly what she's doing.

I do have to have a mammogram, which I'm not looking forward to, as well as a full physical examination with my primary care physician.  This means coming out to my PCP, which I'm a little nervous about, but mostly I think it'll be just fine. I'm not asking her to prescribe T, which she probably wouldn't be comfortable with, and I'm not asking her to do anything other than the physical and to keep being my primary care.  I think she'll be okay with it.  We'll see though! I won't go for the H&P until we get the prior authorization from HP on the surgery.

We talked about dog ears and how far back she'll go to minimize them, which is good. She's definitely conscious of the issue and says she'll do the best she can.  We talked about retaining the pedicle for the nipple, but she basically said that since I'm a bit droopy (her word :)) the pedicle will be really long and I'd end up having a bit of a boob-let, which I'm not too excited about. I will be really sad to lose the feeling/sensation I get in my nipples right now, but I'd much rather have a male contoured chest and little sensation than boob-lets and tons of sensation.  She said I could bring in some photos to show how much boob I'm willing to have, but I'm planning to lose the rest of my weight in the next year or so and I just think a boob-let will look bad and make me really unsatisfied.

So it'll be a full double incision mastectomy with nipple grafts.  She recommends working on the pectoral muscles because she's "only putting on the siding," as she said. So I'm all over that.  We have P90X on deck to start working on along with some dumbbells and some resistance bands so I can build up the pecs/chest and back before surgery.

She estimates that even if the prior authorization takes 30 days (that's the maximum amount of time the insurance company has to respond to the request for PA) I could have surgery as early as July, but that after July I could have my pick of days, probably.  She operates Monday, Wednesday and Friday and most of her top surgery patients come in on Monday.  She recommends at least a week of off work if not two, and she's willing to get you even three or up to six if she has to or you feel like you need it.  I anticipate that I will be bored out of my mind if I do more than two weeks, so that's what I'm planning on for right now.

Once I get the prior authorization I'm going to have to talk to work about it.  That's really intense and scary for me.  But I think that overall it will be okay.  We shall see!

I do have lunch with former Saint Paul Deputy Mayor Susan Kimberly on Thursday to discuss coming out in PED.  I hope she's helpful.  It is really, really nice of her to be willing to meet up with me.

I think that's it on the consult!

Part 1: Is Part 1 now over? Am I on to Part 2?

I got my letter!

My therapist and I wrote it "together" last night at our last (hopefully) pre-T session.  He addressed it to both Buckley and Thorp so I'm hoping that will suffice for both of those ladies as well as the insurance moguls.

I am partly scared to death and partly so excited I could wet myself.  This has been such a long time coming.  I wanted to do this 17 years ago but had no role models and no real, honest-to-goodness knowledge that it was possible.  Then I wanted to do it 10 years ago but wasn't able to follow through because keeping my family in my life was so important to me.  Fortunately, however, I don't have to worry about them anymore. I know they love me and will love me no matter what. So nothing can stop me now.

So why am I so scared? Well, it comes down to this - I don't know exactly how transition will go and there are so many variables and unknowns that it make it very hard to plan for it.  And I'm a planner, for goodness sakes!

I have what I think of as irrational fears about silly things like the bus, and the coffee shop and the gym and other places where I frequent and am seen as a regular. Fortunately that's pretty much the bus, the gym and the coffee shop :).  My therapist did remind me yesterday that most people are too wrapped up in themselves to think about the others on the bus or at the gym or in the coffee shop.

I still also have to come out at work.  And on Facebook. And figure out the logistics of changing my name and gender on all of my documents.  And coming up with the money to do that, which I'm not actually too worried about.

But, I have my letter. It is up to me to do with it as I see fit, I guess. I do have my surgery consult with Buckley on 5/14 and the "T" consult with Thorp on 5/21 so things are moving along at a fair clip!

Part 1: Therapy 6 and some random thoughts on binding

So I had my last therapy session prior to the letter writing session coming up on May 7th on Tuesday night (April 30).  It was really good. We talked about my worries about coming out at work and my parents' and family's great reactions to my coming out to them.  We really didn't have much to talk about.  He outlined changes that T would cause and stuff, which was nothing new, and he gave me a referral for Dr. Thorp.

I'm a little nervous about the letter-writing process.  I want it to say all the right things so I've printed out the Healthpartners GRS info sheet to bring with me.  I also want him to write a letter not only to Dr. Thorp but also to Dr. Buckley, who I actually see first.  I'm hoping he's willing to do that. Oddly enough there's no letter required for T, according to Healthpartners, but there is for surgery.  Totally makes sense for surgery, but I sort of feel like the letter is necessary for T, too.  What if you're too unstable for T?  I know that I'm not, thanks to the MMPI and my conversations with Dr. Brose and my therapist, but still....just seems unwise to send people out to add hormones to their systems without being sure about them being stable and sane.

Fortunately I'm pretty stable and sane. :)

So back to the letter writing - what happens if he doesn't write a letter addressed to Buckley and I meet with her first and then can't start the prior authorization process? I can't go about on T with these stupid giant boobs.  They get in the way, they make binding and passing virtually impossible and I hate them.  They're the biggest part of my dysphoria.  I love looking at myself from the collarbone up. I hate it when the mirror shows more. I need them to go away, and soon.  So I need this letter from Scott addressed to Buckley.  I'm concerned he wants me to start T and then do top surgery later and that's just not an option. And if that's what he wants, what do I do? Do I find another therapist and start over? Find someone who operates by informed consent and not WPATH?  *sigh*  This is what is stressing me out right now.

So on to binding and packing.  That was the topic of discussion at "group" last night.  It was a really good, lively discussion.  It made me think a lot about binding. I don't do it 99 percent of the time because a) I'm not really trying to pass right now and b) I'm afraid of any damage it might do to my skin, my breast tissue, and my body in general. I don't feel a real need to do it except for sometimes.  Like, I hate my boobs and I want them gone, but it is way more important to me to protect my health than to bind because surgery seems like it is so imminent. BUT there are times I'd really like to bind and I haven't (until last night) found something that works well enough.  The double/triple-front compression shirt from Underworks creates this big uniboob thing that hangs out with my gut and it just looks bad.  Not male, not female, just. bad.  And ties don't look great with it, either. However, one guy last night showed us how he binds - he uses a back supporter turned backwards and moved up and boy does it work great. Granted, he's been using it since he was a teenager, but I bought one last night and it was amazing how much better it worked.  We're going to go to a medical supply store and check out other options this week/weekend and see if we can find a better one than the one I got at Wal-mart.  A) I got it at Wal-mart and would prefer not to support them and b) it is a two person job to get it on.  But it is super comfortable and super effective. So off we go to a medical supply store.

Next week I'll post about the letter!

Part I: My family's reaction

Not that I didn't just post what happened today, but a new development has occurred.

My mom wrote back at 1:57 p.m. today, Wednesday, April 10, 2013, and told me that she was grateful I had come into their lives and grateful that I shared my next step in the journey and that my parents will always love me.

How great is that?  And how crazy is it that I doubted my parents. Okay, not crazy, given that they freaked out when I told them I was gay, but it shows that you should always give the benefit of the doubt.

This has turned out to be a red-letter day!

Part I: Therapy 5 and more coming out

Today is April 10, 2013, and today I came out to my parents and my most immediate (in geography) family.

As you know, I had written draft letters to my friends, family and parents but was sitting on them until the time felt right.

Last night I had a therapy session and we discussed this issue of my parents and abandonment and coming out to them.  I basically said that, you know, telling my parents isn't going to change my day to day life.  But it is going to be an emotional experience.  I don't do well with emotional experiences.
Telling my parents and my close family seemed frightening and daunting.   But in my conversation with my therapist, he said something along the lines of, why not tell your close family in case they could be allies and advocates for you when you tell your parents.

So after that meeting with him, I actually got a bit fired up and anxious to tell people. It still scared the crap out of me, though, but I decided (with my partner's help) that today would be the day, and email would be the way.

I sent off the letter to my parents at 10:25 this morning.  At 10:26 this morning I emailed my relatives who live in town and in a town fairly nearby.  Then I headed off for a meeting that was to last two hours.  Two hours without access to email or the phone.  I had a mixture of dread and excitement racing through my veins.

At 1:02 p.m., I got my first response.  It was from my cousin's wife, who I love dearly, and it was totally accepting and fantastic. It even started with, "Dear Jake."  I couldn't have asked for a better response. And frankly, if she's the only one who accepts me, I'll take it.

So...I'm still on tenterhooks because I haven't heard from anyone else, but I'm feeling a lot better about the whole thing in general.

Right now I'm not posting the letter to my parents or to my relatives, but I may in the future.  Feel free to contact me if you'd like a sample.

Part 1: Thinking things through

So...I've written letters to my mom, my family, and my friends.  I have yet to send them out, or even decide how I'm going to send them out.  I may do email. I may do a newsletter. But I will probably do email for most people. My parents are likely to get a hand-written letter.

But here's the deal:
I had two accepting moms read my letter last weekend and one was not impressed.  She said it was cold and not emotional enough.  Here's the thing, though: I'm not an emotional person.  My relationship with my parents isn't an emotional one.  It is a practical one at best.  Sure, we love each other, but we don't connect on any emotional levels, really. I mean, this thing is probably going to feel to them as if it is out of left field and I don't know how to mitigate that.  So maybe being more emotional in the letter will do that.  But maybe it'll just feel maudlin and not authentic to them.

I really like my letter the way it is.  It may start out a little abruptly, but how do you really segue suavely and smoothly into, "Mom and Dad, I'm a boy?"  Am I supposed to be a little newsy at first, and then approach the subject? Or do I just approach it and see what happens?

So, issue number two that was raised, was: do I tell my parents my plans to tell other family members or to leave other family members out of the loop?  Mom No. 1 seemed to think I should let my parents decide who knows and who doesn't.  But really, how is it their choice? I think it is my choice to decide who knows what and when. This is my story, not theirs.  Yes, they're associated with it, but it is really just my deal.  They can't exercise control over me, right?  So I guess I know where I stand on that one.

So the question remains: Do I make my letter more emotional or let it stand.  I've been perusing the letter all day and I just can't come up with more to say or a different way to say it. I may just sit on it for a while.

Part 1: Therapy 4

This one should really say Dateline April 2, 2013.

So...on April 2, 2013 I had an appointment with my therapist.  We discussed my MMPI results.  It was really interesting.  He seemed really reassured by the test results, which was...reassuring.
We talked about how I may be impulsive when scored on the female scale, but normal on the male, although the "anger" scale was still kind of high when scored on the male scale.  I addressed that by saying that I'm a pretty calm person and that it takes a lot to get me angry. A lot.  Even my partner has mentioned that I don't get angry, really. I can get mean when I'm cornered, but I don't really get angry.

Following a good discussion of the MMPI he told me that he didn't think I needed any more therapy, really.  I said that May would mark the three month point together and he said that he should give me a letter in May.  We decided that the day would be May 7 (woot!) and that we'd write the letter together.  This allows me to have like a mini session with him as well as only pay for the session (which insurance will pay for) and not for letter writing time (which insurance will not).

Between now and then we have two sessions set up. We're going to discuss abandonment at one. I think this is a good thing to discuss because I have a lot of fears of being abandoned by my parents when I finally tell them I'm transgender and transitioning.  I know I'll survive if they do cut me out of their lives, but I'm still nervous and scared about it.

The second session we're going to go over some self-hypnosis-type things to help me be calm for surgery, which should be pretty great. I could definitely use some calming influences when it comes to having surgery.

To top off a great day (actually, this happened earlier in the day) I also got asked by my boss to submit a form requesting a job study so I can potentially get a promotion and go up a classification.  This is also very exciting.

My life seems to be coming together well. Now I just have to begin the tough job of telling the toughest people in my life about the transition - my parents and family and my job!

Part 1: Consults

Oh happy day. March 20, 2013.

I set up consults with Dr. Thorp (trans-friendly OB/GYN) and Dr. Buckley (plastic surgery) for the end of May.  Hopefully I'll have my letter by May 20th (that's three months following my initial Feb. 20, 2013 visit with the therapist) and I can get going when I meet up with them!

Part 1: MMPI

So this week (week of March 18, 2013) I took the Minnesota Multiphasic Personality Indicator (MMPI-2). This is a personality test designed to figure out whether you're crazy or not, essentially. Many therapists require it prior to writing a letter because they want to make sure that you're not going to decompensate once you start T or have surgery.  They do it in part to protect themselves, but also to protect you.

Well, it turns out, I'm not crazy.  My therapist has the psychologist score the test on both the male and female axis, so that you can see how it turns out in either way. So, on the female side I end up on the high side in impulsivity and being interested in things that are typically male.  When scored male, I end up right in the normal range of everything.  So that was interesting.  AND it showed no sign of a mood disorder at all, which means my depression is well controlled, which is fantastic.


I'm feeling better about myself after taking the test and hearing the evaluation and hearing the psychologist consider me a normal, healthy person who is capable of handling transition well.

Perhaps, when it comes time to have a PhD level consult, he can be my guy. He was super great.

Part 1: Therapy 3

I feel like I've had my reins pulled up short.  I had what I felt like was a disheartening meeting with Scott yesterday.  He talked about taking T and then changing my name without having top surgery.  That seems dangerous and stupid to me.  I can't pass with a chest the size of mine and I really don't think that having a male name and a female gender marker on your ID is a safe thing to do.

What I really want is to start T and have top surgery about the same time.  WPATH says this is okay.

I'm totally okay with seeing Scott for at lest three months before he writes a letter for anything, but I really don't think it is okay to do what he suggested.

So, I feel taken down a peg and worried about where this is or isn't going.

Part 1: Research

We had done a bunch of research between January 27, 2013 and February 20, 2013.  We looked at insurance policies and legal documents and how to change names and birth certificates and drivers' licenses.  We had the HealthPartners policy all printed out and ready to go. We looked at in-network therapists etc...We were looking at EVERYTHING and we thought we had it pretty nailed down.

But for some reason, on March 11, 2013, I checked out the HealthPartners policy one more time and it had changed!  Initially they required therapy for six months with top surgery allowed at the same time as hormones IF the person couldn't pass without it. So that covered me.  So, we figured, surgery in late summer. But with a revision on 2/13/2013, the policy changed!  Now they were following, to the letter, the WPATH Standards of Care Version 7.  This means no required amount of time for therapy and no requirement for hormones before top surgery. Boy, I was excited.

Part 1: Coming out

After that second meeting with Scott I came out to lots of my close friends. It felt good. Like getting this huge weight off my chest finally. I was on my way.

My partner and I strategized coming out to more friends and more family.  We made a list of people who needed to know in a personal way.  We made a list of people who could just get an email and those who needed an in-person conversation.

And then we talked about my family.  And we strategized about how to come out to my immediate family and how to come out to my extended family.  Basically, we decided to cut my dad's family out of the picture, out of fear, and we decided to tackle my parents and my aunts, uncles and cousins through carefully timed letters, either e-mail or by hand.

Part I: Therapy 2

February 4, 2013 I met with Scott a second time and this time we covered the process of coming out as a lesbian at 19 and my dating and relationship history and my gender identity history.

Scott even mentioned my potential letter for hormones at this time.  He said three months was what he needed to write the letter for hormones. This got me really excited.  Maybe a bit too excited, in retrospect.

At that meeting with Scott I was able to tell him that I had come out to my book club friends and they had accepted me. I was afraid to come out to them, my closest friends, because I was worried that they'd laugh at me since they had been with me through the first "attempt" at transition that failed.

But they did not laugh.  They were super supportive and it is good to know that they love me.

Part I: Therapy

Feburary 20th, 2013 was the first big step in my journey to become a man.

That day I met my therapist, Scott, for the first time.  I shared with him my life story. He wanted to know about my family, my education, what it was like for me growing up, and my mental health history.  It was really nice to have this open ear, listening to me tell my story about how I became who I am.

It begins

On January 27, 2013 I had a bit of an epiphany: I can no longer live in this body.

January 27, 2013 was not the first time I'd thought this.  But on that date it became implausible for me to continue to live as female.

I broke down that night to my partner, sobbing; stating that I wanted to "be a boy." It was heartbreaking for her.  The next day she confronted me about it and we had a really long discussion and decided that now was the time to transition.

But let's back up a few years.

During the 2003-2004 school year (I was in graduate school at the time) I began the transition process.  I saw a therapist for several months and then moved to DC where I anticipated continuing my transition through therapy and ultimately hormones and surgery.  I was starting over in a new place with new friends and a new job.  But things didn't go as planned. My parents came back into my life and I felt that I couldn't transition and that I could be happy being genderqueer.

But the idea to transition never left me.  It was always there in the back of my mind, calling to me.

In fact, the whole thing started years ago.  I was always a tomboy. I tried very hard to make my parents happy. I'm an only child so it was really important for me to make my parents happy.  But I definitely preferred pants to dresses and blues and greens to pinks and purples.  I distinctly recall asking my mom once upon a time, "can I be a boy?"  with her answering, "someday you'll like being a girl."   But that never came to fruition.  I never enjoyed being a girl.  I didn't enjoy girl things.  I wanted to shop in the boys' department.  I wanted to be "one of the guys."  I wanted that my whole life.

When I was 19 (1995) I discovered the concept of transgender.  I read the book Stone Butch Blues by Leslie Feinberg and I knew the minute I finished that book that I wanted to be a boy. However, I had no role models other than Leslie and "Jess."  Where were transguys that I could find and emulate?  No where that I knew of.  So I sat on it.  And it tormented me.  I started identifying as transgender in 1998 when I graduated from college. That was how I checked the boxes on surveys; it was what I thought of myself as.  But I still had no role models.

One Voice Mixed Chorus changed all that.  Finally, here were transmen and women who were living the lives they wanted.  The concept of transition became more than just that, a concept, for me at that point. But I was afraid.  I was afraid of losing my family, I was afraid of losing my friends and my community. I also was far from being able to afford it, insurance or not.  So I continued to sit on my dream of becoming a boy, torturing myself for years.

Now my partner volunteers at the MN Transgender Health Coalition Shot Clinic on Fridays and I see transguys of all stripes every day.  Everyone on the gender spectrum heads to  Cafe SouthSide/The Exchange and the clinic.  It is beautiful, and it made it seem even more possible.

So that's what brought me to January 27, 2013. I finally knew that I could become a man and I finally couldn't take it anymore.