Not that I didn't just post what happened today, but a new development has occurred.
My mom wrote back at 1:57 p.m. today, Wednesday, April 10, 2013, and told me that she was grateful I had come into their lives and grateful that I shared my next step in the journey and that my parents will always love me.
How great is that? And how crazy is it that I doubted my parents. Okay, not crazy, given that they freaked out when I told them I was gay, but it shows that you should always give the benefit of the doubt.
This has turned out to be a red-letter day!
Wednesday, April 10, 2013
Part I: Therapy 5 and more coming out
Today is April 10, 2013, and today I came out to my parents and my most immediate (in geography) family.
As you know, I had written draft letters to my friends, family and parents but was sitting on them until the time felt right.
Last night I had a therapy session and we discussed this issue of my parents and abandonment and coming out to them. I basically said that, you know, telling my parents isn't going to change my day to day life. But it is going to be an emotional experience. I don't do well with emotional experiences.
Telling my parents and my close family seemed frightening and daunting. But in my conversation with my therapist, he said something along the lines of, why not tell your close family in case they could be allies and advocates for you when you tell your parents.
So after that meeting with him, I actually got a bit fired up and anxious to tell people. It still scared the crap out of me, though, but I decided (with my partner's help) that today would be the day, and email would be the way.
I sent off the letter to my parents at 10:25 this morning. At 10:26 this morning I emailed my relatives who live in town and in a town fairly nearby. Then I headed off for a meeting that was to last two hours. Two hours without access to email or the phone. I had a mixture of dread and excitement racing through my veins.
At 1:02 p.m., I got my first response. It was from my cousin's wife, who I love dearly, and it was totally accepting and fantastic. It even started with, "Dear Jake." I couldn't have asked for a better response. And frankly, if she's the only one who accepts me, I'll take it.
So...I'm still on tenterhooks because I haven't heard from anyone else, but I'm feeling a lot better about the whole thing in general.
Right now I'm not posting the letter to my parents or to my relatives, but I may in the future. Feel free to contact me if you'd like a sample.
As you know, I had written draft letters to my friends, family and parents but was sitting on them until the time felt right.
Last night I had a therapy session and we discussed this issue of my parents and abandonment and coming out to them. I basically said that, you know, telling my parents isn't going to change my day to day life. But it is going to be an emotional experience. I don't do well with emotional experiences.
Telling my parents and my close family seemed frightening and daunting. But in my conversation with my therapist, he said something along the lines of, why not tell your close family in case they could be allies and advocates for you when you tell your parents.
So after that meeting with him, I actually got a bit fired up and anxious to tell people. It still scared the crap out of me, though, but I decided (with my partner's help) that today would be the day, and email would be the way.
I sent off the letter to my parents at 10:25 this morning. At 10:26 this morning I emailed my relatives who live in town and in a town fairly nearby. Then I headed off for a meeting that was to last two hours. Two hours without access to email or the phone. I had a mixture of dread and excitement racing through my veins.
At 1:02 p.m., I got my first response. It was from my cousin's wife, who I love dearly, and it was totally accepting and fantastic. It even started with, "Dear Jake." I couldn't have asked for a better response. And frankly, if she's the only one who accepts me, I'll take it.
So...I'm still on tenterhooks because I haven't heard from anyone else, but I'm feeling a lot better about the whole thing in general.
Right now I'm not posting the letter to my parents or to my relatives, but I may in the future. Feel free to contact me if you'd like a sample.
Part 1: Thinking things through
So...I've written letters to my mom, my family, and my friends. I have yet to send them out, or even decide how I'm going to send them out. I may do email. I may do a newsletter. But I will probably do email for most people. My parents are likely to get a hand-written letter.
But here's the deal:
I had two accepting moms read my letter last weekend and one was not impressed. She said it was cold and not emotional enough. Here's the thing, though: I'm not an emotional person. My relationship with my parents isn't an emotional one. It is a practical one at best. Sure, we love each other, but we don't connect on any emotional levels, really. I mean, this thing is probably going to feel to them as if it is out of left field and I don't know how to mitigate that. So maybe being more emotional in the letter will do that. But maybe it'll just feel maudlin and not authentic to them.
I really like my letter the way it is. It may start out a little abruptly, but how do you really segue suavely and smoothly into, "Mom and Dad, I'm a boy?" Am I supposed to be a little newsy at first, and then approach the subject? Or do I just approach it and see what happens?
So, issue number two that was raised, was: do I tell my parents my plans to tell other family members or to leave other family members out of the loop? Mom No. 1 seemed to think I should let my parents decide who knows and who doesn't. But really, how is it their choice? I think it is my choice to decide who knows what and when. This is my story, not theirs. Yes, they're associated with it, but it is really just my deal. They can't exercise control over me, right? So I guess I know where I stand on that one.
So the question remains: Do I make my letter more emotional or let it stand. I've been perusing the letter all day and I just can't come up with more to say or a different way to say it. I may just sit on it for a while.
But here's the deal:
I had two accepting moms read my letter last weekend and one was not impressed. She said it was cold and not emotional enough. Here's the thing, though: I'm not an emotional person. My relationship with my parents isn't an emotional one. It is a practical one at best. Sure, we love each other, but we don't connect on any emotional levels, really. I mean, this thing is probably going to feel to them as if it is out of left field and I don't know how to mitigate that. So maybe being more emotional in the letter will do that. But maybe it'll just feel maudlin and not authentic to them.
I really like my letter the way it is. It may start out a little abruptly, but how do you really segue suavely and smoothly into, "Mom and Dad, I'm a boy?" Am I supposed to be a little newsy at first, and then approach the subject? Or do I just approach it and see what happens?
So, issue number two that was raised, was: do I tell my parents my plans to tell other family members or to leave other family members out of the loop? Mom No. 1 seemed to think I should let my parents decide who knows and who doesn't. But really, how is it their choice? I think it is my choice to decide who knows what and when. This is my story, not theirs. Yes, they're associated with it, but it is really just my deal. They can't exercise control over me, right? So I guess I know where I stand on that one.
So the question remains: Do I make my letter more emotional or let it stand. I've been perusing the letter all day and I just can't come up with more to say or a different way to say it. I may just sit on it for a while.
Thursday, April 4, 2013
Part 1: Therapy 4
This one should really say Dateline April 2, 2013.
So...on April 2, 2013 I had an appointment with my therapist. We discussed my MMPI results. It was really interesting. He seemed really reassured by the test results, which was...reassuring.
We talked about how I may be impulsive when scored on the female scale, but normal on the male, although the "anger" scale was still kind of high when scored on the male scale. I addressed that by saying that I'm a pretty calm person and that it takes a lot to get me angry. A lot. Even my partner has mentioned that I don't get angry, really. I can get mean when I'm cornered, but I don't really get angry.
Following a good discussion of the MMPI he told me that he didn't think I needed any more therapy, really. I said that May would mark the three month point together and he said that he should give me a letter in May. We decided that the day would be May 7 (woot!) and that we'd write the letter together. This allows me to have like a mini session with him as well as only pay for the session (which insurance will pay for) and not for letter writing time (which insurance will not).
Between now and then we have two sessions set up. We're going to discuss abandonment at one. I think this is a good thing to discuss because I have a lot of fears of being abandoned by my parents when I finally tell them I'm transgender and transitioning. I know I'll survive if they do cut me out of their lives, but I'm still nervous and scared about it.
The second session we're going to go over some self-hypnosis-type things to help me be calm for surgery, which should be pretty great. I could definitely use some calming influences when it comes to having surgery.
To top off a great day (actually, this happened earlier in the day) I also got asked by my boss to submit a form requesting a job study so I can potentially get a promotion and go up a classification. This is also very exciting.
My life seems to be coming together well. Now I just have to begin the tough job of telling the toughest people in my life about the transition - my parents and family and my job!
So...on April 2, 2013 I had an appointment with my therapist. We discussed my MMPI results. It was really interesting. He seemed really reassured by the test results, which was...reassuring.
We talked about how I may be impulsive when scored on the female scale, but normal on the male, although the "anger" scale was still kind of high when scored on the male scale. I addressed that by saying that I'm a pretty calm person and that it takes a lot to get me angry. A lot. Even my partner has mentioned that I don't get angry, really. I can get mean when I'm cornered, but I don't really get angry.
Following a good discussion of the MMPI he told me that he didn't think I needed any more therapy, really. I said that May would mark the three month point together and he said that he should give me a letter in May. We decided that the day would be May 7 (woot!) and that we'd write the letter together. This allows me to have like a mini session with him as well as only pay for the session (which insurance will pay for) and not for letter writing time (which insurance will not).
Between now and then we have two sessions set up. We're going to discuss abandonment at one. I think this is a good thing to discuss because I have a lot of fears of being abandoned by my parents when I finally tell them I'm transgender and transitioning. I know I'll survive if they do cut me out of their lives, but I'm still nervous and scared about it.
The second session we're going to go over some self-hypnosis-type things to help me be calm for surgery, which should be pretty great. I could definitely use some calming influences when it comes to having surgery.
To top off a great day (actually, this happened earlier in the day) I also got asked by my boss to submit a form requesting a job study so I can potentially get a promotion and go up a classification. This is also very exciting.
My life seems to be coming together well. Now I just have to begin the tough job of telling the toughest people in my life about the transition - my parents and family and my job!
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