Because Brandi is a very special girl, I knew I had to ask her to marry me before some other hot person came along and swept her away. I knew, too, that she was a definite keeper after spending a week stripping my drains and washing me up. Good thing she's a nurse!
But seriously, she's amazing and I love her terribly, and I'm super fortunate to have her in my life, and so have been planning to surprise her with an engagement ring for a while. I even kept it at my office so that she couldn't find it and suspect something. I REALLY, REALLY wanted to surprise her. That was the most important part of my plan.
Brandi's birthday was also on Monday (July 29th) and I knew that sitting at home and watching TV wouldn't be her ideal way to spend her birthday, because her birthday is super exciting and important to her. Thus, I had to come up with a plan.
The initial plan was to wait until August 1 to propose because our anniversary is on a "1" and we hope to get married on a "1" but I decided that an awesome birthday present and surprise would be to propose on her birthday.
We drove to our favorite place in the cities - Minnehaha Falls - and walked around a bit and looked at the gorgeous rushing falls. Way more full than they've ever been since we've been going. Minnehaha Falls was also where I took Brandi on our first date, so it is an extra special place for us. Since I can't drive, I took her a different route from the way we usually go, so she was quite unsuspecting for a long time about where we were headed.
We finally got there and I (who had kept the ring a secret since bringing it home from work two Fridays ago, amazingly enough, despite being pretty much reliant upon Brandi for everything), leaned up against the wall with the falls behind me and told her, "I have something for you. It is in my pocket." She reached for my right pants pocket, and I said, "Nope, not that pocket;" so she reached for my LEFT pants pocket and I said, "Nope, not that pocket, either." So she reached into the chest pocket of my button down shirt and pulled it out and, said, "It's my ring!" So I said, "Will you marry me?" And with tears in her eyes she nodded "yes."
And that is how we spent the morning of Brandi's birthday and the day one week after surgery - getting engaged.
Tuesday, July 30, 2013
Part 3: One week post-surgery
This morning we got up bright and early and headed over to the University to get the staples and sutures out of my nipples (or, as Dr. Buckley likes to call them, "nippies") and the drains pulled.
We had already unwrapped the original dressing this weekend and taken a quick look. Everything looked great, except for a little puffiness on the left-hand side, but no big deal. After a great re-wrap by nurse Brandi, I was ready to go for a few more days before it was time to head back to the doctor.
I had two students helping out the nurse who took out the drains and the sutures. Each student took care of one drain and they pulled them both out at the same time. It wasn't in the least bit painful, but it was a bizarre feeling as I could feel the tubing coming out all the way from the middle of my chest to the holes in my sides. Bizarre, but painless. I was way more afraid of it than I needed to be. Mostly because the drain sites were irritating me all week, so I thought getting them out would be irritating, too. Not so!
The nurse tackled the nipples next. The dressings were sutured and stapled on to my nipples to better protect them since they're a skin graft. The dressings needed to be removed very carefully to ensure that the nipples didn't come off. She did a great job, despite the plethora of staples Buckley had put in there, and the very tight sutures. The nipples look pretty good. The right one is nearly perfect and the left one "shifted" a bit, but should be fine when healed. Fine enough, anyway.
I definitely now have a flat, male-contoured chest that makes me feel very excited when I look in the mirror. I now look in the mirror the way I've always pictured myself looking. I probably could have cried the first time I saw it if I were the crying type.
My chest still feels a little odd because it is healing, but I definitely still have feeling throughout my chest, although not on the nipples, which makes sense, as they're a graft.
I'm now to place a dressing over each nipple for a week, which is held down by a waterproof Tegaderm patch. I can shower, but I can't let the nipples get hit by the water for another week or so. I'll probably protect those bad boys a long time, because I certainly don't want them dropping off!
I'm really pleased with the results and I'm really pleased with the care Buckley took with me. Yes, the scars are long, but she pretty much was able to avoid dog ears, which I was worried about a lot. I was a 36 DDD before surgery, plus I'm overweight, so the combination meant that I was likely to have dog ears; but she did a damn good job. She's a great person and a great doctor and a great surgeon. I'm lucky to have worked with her and her team and super fortunate/lucky/privileged to have insurance to pay for all of this. It never would have happened if not for that.
It also never would have happened without Brandi, so I thank her for that as well.
Other highlights from the week of recovery include flowers and fruit and adorable cards from family and friends, and coloring books and colored pencils from my Mom, who is fantastic in her own right.
We had already unwrapped the original dressing this weekend and taken a quick look. Everything looked great, except for a little puffiness on the left-hand side, but no big deal. After a great re-wrap by nurse Brandi, I was ready to go for a few more days before it was time to head back to the doctor.
I had two students helping out the nurse who took out the drains and the sutures. Each student took care of one drain and they pulled them both out at the same time. It wasn't in the least bit painful, but it was a bizarre feeling as I could feel the tubing coming out all the way from the middle of my chest to the holes in my sides. Bizarre, but painless. I was way more afraid of it than I needed to be. Mostly because the drain sites were irritating me all week, so I thought getting them out would be irritating, too. Not so!
The nurse tackled the nipples next. The dressings were sutured and stapled on to my nipples to better protect them since they're a skin graft. The dressings needed to be removed very carefully to ensure that the nipples didn't come off. She did a great job, despite the plethora of staples Buckley had put in there, and the very tight sutures. The nipples look pretty good. The right one is nearly perfect and the left one "shifted" a bit, but should be fine when healed. Fine enough, anyway.
I definitely now have a flat, male-contoured chest that makes me feel very excited when I look in the mirror. I now look in the mirror the way I've always pictured myself looking. I probably could have cried the first time I saw it if I were the crying type.
My chest still feels a little odd because it is healing, but I definitely still have feeling throughout my chest, although not on the nipples, which makes sense, as they're a graft.
I'm now to place a dressing over each nipple for a week, which is held down by a waterproof Tegaderm patch. I can shower, but I can't let the nipples get hit by the water for another week or so. I'll probably protect those bad boys a long time, because I certainly don't want them dropping off!
I'm really pleased with the results and I'm really pleased with the care Buckley took with me. Yes, the scars are long, but she pretty much was able to avoid dog ears, which I was worried about a lot. I was a 36 DDD before surgery, plus I'm overweight, so the combination meant that I was likely to have dog ears; but she did a damn good job. She's a great person and a great doctor and a great surgeon. I'm lucky to have worked with her and her team and super fortunate/lucky/privileged to have insurance to pay for all of this. It never would have happened if not for that.
It also never would have happened without Brandi, so I thank her for that as well.
Other highlights from the week of recovery include flowers and fruit and adorable cards from family and friends, and coloring books and colored pencils from my Mom, who is fantastic in her own right.
Tuesday, July 23, 2013
Part 3: Post-surgery day 1
Dateline: Sunday, July 21, through Tuesday, July 23.
I am truly blessed to have such a fantastic partner in Brandi. As a nurse, she is able to take extraordinary care of me. And that started with Sunday night, the night before surgery. She was able to walk me through, again, what would happen the day of. It was very reassuring and helped with my extreme anxiety that evening, as did the Xanax :).
I'm not sure what I was most worried about: never waking up again, or being dissatisfied upon waking. I've never had general anesthesia before and I was very worried about how that would go. Turns out it wasn't so bad. I also had some fear that I'd feel regret. But at the same time I knew that I was absolutely doing the right thing for me and for the rest of my life. I've been waiting for this for so long. Wanting it and waiting for it and finally that thing I thought might never be possible was about to come true. Truly frightening and exciting at the same time.
We woke up at 4:30 a.m. to get ready for our 5:45 arrival at the University of Minnesota Medical Center - Fairview on the East Bank of the University. Somehow we got out of the house by about 5:05 a.m. and were at the hospital by 5:20, which turned out to be pretty fortunate because we were second in line, and followed by at least three other groups of people. Check in went smoothly and then we headed up to the surgical floor, which is under construction, and so the waiting lounge is quite far away from the pre-surgical area. That being said, the newly constructed areas are really nice.
The only time I wasn't called Jake was with the woman at the registration desk, and at first in the waiting room area. But that woman actually came back to apologize and was really sweet about it and let us know that she'd make sure that every one else knew that I prefer Jake, and it ended up on the cover of my chart in big letters and everyone else got it right 100% of the time.
We didn't wait very long before they took me back (by myself) to the pre-surgical area and they took my vitals and got me gowned and ready to go. Not long after Brandi was able to come back and she was with me through the placement of the IV and the visit by Buckley - who gave me a fist bump on her way out; she's so adorable - who marked me up and talked through the procedure. Then it was off to surgery. Buckley said that she had the room booked to 12:15, so I was to be in there between 7:45 and 12:15, approximately, depending upon how it went.
Turns out Buckley was in the waiting area talking to my partner by 12:20. And apparently she was thrilled with the results. I haven't seen them yet :)
I remember getting on the table, and talking to the staff and having the oxygen mask put on, and then I remember waking up. It was amazing. I woke up feeling like I had had duct tape placed on my skin and then ripped off. The pain wasn't too bad but it was definitely in the 7-8 range at first, in the PACU. After a little fentanyl and dilaudid, I was feeling much better and then they took me up to the recovery area, where I did not feel well at all for a long time. We were there until about 4:30 because I was very sick to my stomach. We almost had to stay the night, but we asked if we could get some anti-emetic to take home and head home that day. Buckley okayed that and so we were off after a quick stop at the pharmacy for the anti-emetic.
Getting home was great. It was so nice to be home by dinner time and on my own couch in my own home with my own personal nurse. Dinner didn't sit well with me, so there was some more upset stomach, but after that I felt much better.
The situation with my chest is drains on each side plus an ON-Q pump that delivers a longer-acting lidocaine-like medication to the incisions to keep them from hurting too much. All that is under kerlix gauze wrapped with a big ace wrap. My nipples and scars feel kind of burn-y but not all the time. The pain meds are helping a lot. Last night (Monday night) I didn't need as much as I thought I would, so that was cool.
Buckley was amazing. She told Brandi that she was super satisfied with the results and that the incisions go back pretty far to minimize dog ears, which makes me happy. She's so laid back and super confident at the same time which had a real calming effect on me. Although I haven't seen what's under the wrapping yet, I'm really excited about it.
Words can't express how fantastic it feels to look down and see flat chest, knowing that there are pecs under there that I can continue to build up and create that awesome male contoured chest I've always wanted. I feel like I've taking the body that betrayed me so long ago and "fixed" it so that I can now look in the mirror and see me. Here's the draw back - I'm definitely overweight, and while it is something I'm actively working on, I now look down at my stomach and it looks disproportionately large to me. I can also see that my shape is shifting at the same time, so more weight will be carried there. I just need to make sure I don't gain too much weight while I can't exercise, so that I can start building those abs and shrinking that stomach.
Monday night was odd, sleep-wise, but I've been sleeping on and off all day today, and I'm feeling pretty good, but a bit sore and generally tired.
I think that's about all I've got for today.
Friday, July 19, 2013
Part 2: identity
A truly special old friend said to me the other day that, "any person who grows up in a role never completely leaves that role," regarding my loss of "sorority" in transitioning to male. She went on to say, wisely, "How often do we hear 'men just don't get it.' You get to get it."
And that's what I have to remind myself when I fear the unknown of "manhood." Yes, I'm going to (eventually) pass as a white male. And yes, that comes with a ton of privilege. But it also comes with a responsibility to remember where I came from, what made me who I am, and how I use that privilege.
But what made me who I am? And what am I now? So much of my life revolved around being in the lesbian community. And my partner identifies extremely strongly as a lesbian. Can she be a lesbian if she's with a man? What if that man is a transman? Doesn't that make us "queer," in the truest sense of the word?
I definitely think of my identity as "queer." As a young, newly out, college student, I had a hard time with any word that wasn't the word "gay" to describe me. Lesbian felt funny and awkward in my mouth. And as someone who started to identify as trans* VERY shortly after identifying as gay, being called a lesbian felt awkward and funny, too. But there I was: female bodied and dating women. So obviously I was a lesbian. I awkwardly checked boxes on GLBTQ health studies as "lesbian" and "transgender," which must have made me seem like a lesbian transwoman to researchers, which skewed their results, I'm sure. But I'm pretty comfortable now with the transman identity. I've always felt more like one of the guys, than a lesbian, even when surrounded by lesbians.
But if I'm a transman, in a relationship with a lesbian, what does that make her? It makes her, as she so rightly pointed out, a lesbian in love with a transman. And that's okay. I don't feel like she's invalidating my manhood by claiming her lesbianism and proclaiming it loudly. I feel like we're just two people in love, no matter what our physical makeup. And I can proudly continue to be queer.
And that's what I have to remind myself when I fear the unknown of "manhood." Yes, I'm going to (eventually) pass as a white male. And yes, that comes with a ton of privilege. But it also comes with a responsibility to remember where I came from, what made me who I am, and how I use that privilege.
But what made me who I am? And what am I now? So much of my life revolved around being in the lesbian community. And my partner identifies extremely strongly as a lesbian. Can she be a lesbian if she's with a man? What if that man is a transman? Doesn't that make us "queer," in the truest sense of the word?
I definitely think of my identity as "queer." As a young, newly out, college student, I had a hard time with any word that wasn't the word "gay" to describe me. Lesbian felt funny and awkward in my mouth. And as someone who started to identify as trans* VERY shortly after identifying as gay, being called a lesbian felt awkward and funny, too. But there I was: female bodied and dating women. So obviously I was a lesbian. I awkwardly checked boxes on GLBTQ health studies as "lesbian" and "transgender," which must have made me seem like a lesbian transwoman to researchers, which skewed their results, I'm sure. But I'm pretty comfortable now with the transman identity. I've always felt more like one of the guys, than a lesbian, even when surrounded by lesbians.
But if I'm a transman, in a relationship with a lesbian, what does that make her? It makes her, as she so rightly pointed out, a lesbian in love with a transman. And that's okay. I don't feel like she's invalidating my manhood by claiming her lesbianism and proclaiming it loudly. I feel like we're just two people in love, no matter what our physical makeup. And I can proudly continue to be queer.
Tuesday, July 16, 2013
Part 2: Experiencing "exceptional"
I just want to point out that I work for an exceptional organization.
From supporting this transition, to having excellent benefits, all has gone much better than I ever could have expected. And why didn't expect it? I don't know. I should have. I'm exceptionally lucky and privileged to be a part of this.
In other news, we came out on Facebook last night and the support was overwhelming.
Thanks to all my friends, family, and co-workers for being exceptional people. I am lucky and privileged to have you all in my life.
From supporting this transition, to having excellent benefits, all has gone much better than I ever could have expected. And why didn't expect it? I don't know. I should have. I'm exceptionally lucky and privileged to be a part of this.
In other news, we came out on Facebook last night and the support was overwhelming.
Thanks to all my friends, family, and co-workers for being exceptional people. I am lucky and privileged to have you all in my life.
Monday, July 15, 2013
Part 2: Coming out even more - the work email
Monday, July 15 at 9:00 a.m.
The work email went out today and there has been an outpouring of supportive emails and phone calls ever since it went out. It has been an amazing morning.
As my work-friend ____ said, hopefully co-workers will give me the support and respect I deserve and the "close-minded will zipper it, which they should." That's really all I can hope for.
I have yet to hear from anyone who is upset about it. Undoubtedly they'll keep that to themselves or go to the big boss or a supervisor about it.
I'm still super nervous, but the six emails of support I've gotten and one phone call have put me much more at ease.
I really, truly appreciate all my wonderful colleagues in my department and across the city and I look forward to many more years with them.
Update 12 p.m.
I have 16 supportive emails sitting in my inbox. I have gotten two hugs, a pat on the back and two phone calls. My organization is fantastic.
Update 2:30 p.m.
Just sent out the email to colleagues outside the organization. The support continues to pour in. Even if just in a few words. I feel so privileged to be a part of this organization.
The work email went out today and there has been an outpouring of supportive emails and phone calls ever since it went out. It has been an amazing morning.
As my work-friend ____ said, hopefully co-workers will give me the support and respect I deserve and the "close-minded will zipper it, which they should." That's really all I can hope for.
I have yet to hear from anyone who is upset about it. Undoubtedly they'll keep that to themselves or go to the big boss or a supervisor about it.
I'm still super nervous, but the six emails of support I've gotten and one phone call have put me much more at ease.
I really, truly appreciate all my wonderful colleagues in my department and across the city and I look forward to many more years with them.
Update 12 p.m.
I have 16 supportive emails sitting in my inbox. I have gotten two hugs, a pat on the back and two phone calls. My organization is fantastic.
Update 2:30 p.m.
Just sent out the email to colleagues outside the organization. The support continues to pour in. Even if just in a few words. I feel so privileged to be a part of this organization.
Wednesday, July 10, 2013
Part 2: Testosterone update and coming out some more
Oh boy.
The leadership team here at the office is finding out about me today. That adds to the group another five people who know at work. Wow. I have butterflies. I have no doubt that it will go just fine, but it is a little bit intimidating.
In other news, I met with Dr. Thorp yesterday and she upped my T dose. My serum level was at 400, which is low-normal for a cis-guy - so I was pretty happy about that. She pretty much said she thought I was using more than 2 pumps since my serum level was so good, without actually calling me out on it. But I was honest with her and said that in fact, I'm only using two pumps but I'm using gloves etc...to ensure that I get the best results I can.
Thorp asked about changes I've experienced and my general well-being, which was great. And she suggested something called "danazol" which is often used to tread endometriosis, but it is an androgen and has a masculinizing effect so they don't often use it anymore. It is designed to help keep me from cramping and bleeding the bit that I still am. So hopefully that'll work out well for me.
Then she suggested increasing my dose of T to three pumps of the 1% solution of Androgel. I asked if there was any reason not to do two pumps of the 1.62% solution, instead, and she said there was not. So I suggested that as an increased dose instead of the three pumps of 1% and she said that would be fine, it would just be a matter of getting the insurance co. to approve it.
We'll see how that goes when my partner drops of the 'scrip at Costco this afternoon. I imagine it will have to be pre-authorized again, which is fine. I have plenty of the 1% solution left and put on three pumps today :). And it is on the formulary. HealthPartners doesn't seem to discriminate between the 1.62% and the 1% on the formulary for some reason.
The leadership team here at the office is finding out about me today. That adds to the group another five people who know at work. Wow. I have butterflies. I have no doubt that it will go just fine, but it is a little bit intimidating.
In other news, I met with Dr. Thorp yesterday and she upped my T dose. My serum level was at 400, which is low-normal for a cis-guy - so I was pretty happy about that. She pretty much said she thought I was using more than 2 pumps since my serum level was so good, without actually calling me out on it. But I was honest with her and said that in fact, I'm only using two pumps but I'm using gloves etc...to ensure that I get the best results I can.
Thorp asked about changes I've experienced and my general well-being, which was great. And she suggested something called "danazol" which is often used to tread endometriosis, but it is an androgen and has a masculinizing effect so they don't often use it anymore. It is designed to help keep me from cramping and bleeding the bit that I still am. So hopefully that'll work out well for me.
Then she suggested increasing my dose of T to three pumps of the 1% solution of Androgel. I asked if there was any reason not to do two pumps of the 1.62% solution, instead, and she said there was not. So I suggested that as an increased dose instead of the three pumps of 1% and she said that would be fine, it would just be a matter of getting the insurance co. to approve it.
We'll see how that goes when my partner drops of the 'scrip at Costco this afternoon. I imagine it will have to be pre-authorized again, which is fine. I have plenty of the 1% solution left and put on three pumps today :). And it is on the formulary. HealthPartners doesn't seem to discriminate between the 1.62% and the 1% on the formulary for some reason.
Monday, July 8, 2013
Part 2: Testosterone update
So I've been on testosterone since May 25th, so that's six weeks.
I have gotten a little more facial hair - all blonde and soft - but I shaved it off on July 4. That was a fun and interesting process. Shaving is harder than it looks! But my face feels smooth and a little less soft, which I like. Other hair growth appears to be slow in coming in.
One thing that I have noticed, although I haven't noticed any actual pitch changes, are changes to my ability to sing songs I once could sing. I used to be able to match pitch with songs on the radio (or, in yesterday's awful case, Guitar Hero) and now I can not. I squeak and sound funny. It is awful. It is like I can't make my voice go where I expect to go. It makes me embarrassed for myself!
Emotionally I feel like the same, semi-detached person I've always felt like. I don't find it any harder (or easier, for that matter) to cry, and I don't find myself really more prone to anger. Yes, I have gotten extra annoyed twice since starting "T" but generally I think that has more to do with my actual patience with the thing being discussed than any sort of "'roid rage."
I read an interesting article about how hormones can't change you innately, but your comfort in yourself may change you, and I think that's what's happening. I definitely feel more comfortable with myself and more comfortable with the idea that I'm going to finally transition and become the man I've always known myself to be.
Surgery is in T minus 15 days - a half month. After decades of waiting. I'm a little nervous about surgery, but that's for another post.
I have gotten a little more facial hair - all blonde and soft - but I shaved it off on July 4. That was a fun and interesting process. Shaving is harder than it looks! But my face feels smooth and a little less soft, which I like. Other hair growth appears to be slow in coming in.
One thing that I have noticed, although I haven't noticed any actual pitch changes, are changes to my ability to sing songs I once could sing. I used to be able to match pitch with songs on the radio (or, in yesterday's awful case, Guitar Hero) and now I can not. I squeak and sound funny. It is awful. It is like I can't make my voice go where I expect to go. It makes me embarrassed for myself!
Emotionally I feel like the same, semi-detached person I've always felt like. I don't find it any harder (or easier, for that matter) to cry, and I don't find myself really more prone to anger. Yes, I have gotten extra annoyed twice since starting "T" but generally I think that has more to do with my actual patience with the thing being discussed than any sort of "'roid rage."
I read an interesting article about how hormones can't change you innately, but your comfort in yourself may change you, and I think that's what's happening. I definitely feel more comfortable with myself and more comfortable with the idea that I'm going to finally transition and become the man I've always known myself to be.
Surgery is in T minus 15 days - a half month. After decades of waiting. I'm a little nervous about surgery, but that's for another post.
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