Part 2: Coming out at work

So I've started to come out at work.  Not to many people, just to a few.  I've come out to two friends and they were both super supportive. I have a few more people I want to come out to one-on-one, but I'm not entirely sure how to go about it.

I came out to my immediate supervisor a few weeks ago.  She was amazingly supportive and vowed to work as hard as she could to ensure that the transition was an easy one.

About a week later I came out to the head of my department.  She, too, was great, until she asked me, "so...when [redacted]?"  To her credit she prefaced that statement with "I don't know how to talk about this, so forgive my ignorance."   But I was completely taken aback and really didn't know how to reply so I said something noncommittal.

Since then both the director and supervisor have spoken with representatives from HR, including the head of HR, and they have been very supportive and helpful as well.

I've written a letter to my colleagues and anticipate sending that out either the day before I leave or a few days before I leave.  I haven't decided yet.  In part coming out before I leave seems more noble and less cowardly, but doing it the day I leave for surgery feels more comfortable for me. But I'd like it to be most comfortable for my colleagues. Perhaps they'd like the chance to ask questions of me before I head out. But perhaps they'd like to avoid me for a few days. I just am unsure of what to do.

The letter has to go out to more than 120 people, which is totally intimidating and scary, but necessary.  I'm sure it'll all be fine. There are those who have gone before me to support me, but I still feel a little bit alone in all this, despite all the support from my supervisors.

Here's the letter:

Dear Colleagues,

I like to share a personal matter with you about a change I’m about to make that hopefully will have little or no impact on my work here within the agency or the working relationships that I've enjoyed with many of you over the years.  However, I feel it's important that you hear this directly from me, rather than impersonally through a third party or through rumors, gossip, etc., which we all know can often be misconstrued or misunderstood.  This is a matter that is essentially personal but will result in some changes at work.

You may begin to notice some changes in my appearance over the next couple months, and I feel I ought to explain why. I identify as transgender. I have had transgender feelings since I was six or seven, but I kept those feelings hidden and did my best to make my life work with my female body. Alas, my discomfort only increased, and several years ago I entered therapy to explore those feelings further.

Accordingly, I have been working with my therapist and doctors, following the Standards of Care that set out guidelines for transitioning from female to male. I have been living as male part-time among friends and family for six months, as Jake. Now it is time for me to live as my true self in all aspects of my life.

I've discussed this with HR and the administration and we have mutually agreed upon a transition start date for Monday, August 5th, when I return from chest reconstruction surgery.  On this date and thereafter, I will present as my true gender identity (male), and ask that you freely use the name Jake or Jacob and male gender markers or addresses when referring to me verbally or in writing, such as, he, him, sir, Mr. and so on...  Beginning on August 5,  I will also be using the men’s restroom. I realize this is a major adjustment, but I know most of you are fairly open minded, especially living and working here in Saint Paul, and have grown to expect the unexpected and experience a variety of lifestyles.  

For those of you not familiar with transgender issues, there’s a multitude of information on the Web and in literature, and I suggest you look there for more information,. I’ve included some links to basic information below. Feel free to ask questions. I'm happy to talk about most issues and my personal transition (with the possible exception of surgical procedures).

Some helpful resources may be found at the following links:

http://www.uua.org/lgbtq/identity/25348.shtml

http://web.mit.edu/trans/transbrochure.pdf

http://web.mit.edu/trans/tipsfortransallies.pdf

I’m very pleased to be able to take this step toward personal wholeness while staying at a job I have found very rewarding. Some of you may not understand the life changes I’m undertaking. I would be happy to answer your questions, or direct you to additional information. Some of you may not approve of what I’m doing; that is your right. However, I expect that everyone will treat me with basic human respect. I know this will take a little time to get used to, and I expect that you’ll make mistakes at first; if so, don’t worry about it. I won’t make a big deal out of it and we’ll move on. Thanks for your understanding.

Respectfully,

Jake __________

Part 2: Privilege

I am freaking out a bit about privilege.

I was in a meeting the other day with three women of color. And I was thinking, gosh, isn't it nice that we have these four women with quite a bit of power between them, being successful and all that jazz. And then I realized - in a few short months I'm not going to be even perceived as a woman anymore.  And I'll have lost that little "womanhood" thing that professional women have.

So that kind of sucks. I don't really want to be "the man" that I will be when I'm perceived as a straight white male.  That's not me at all. I've always been queer, and I've always had that sort of thing where I could say to myself, "at least I'm perceived as a woman," and have some street cred among women.  But now I'll lose that, I guess.

So I guess it all comes down to, "what do I do with my privilege."  And I guess I'll need to use it to support women. But then that sort of smacks of a weird paternalism - like that woman needs my help because she's a woman and she's not as respected or whatever. But that's not true.

I have never ever felt like a second-class citizen as a woman. I've never felt like I've been treated differently, or talked down to, or any of those things that I've heard about. But just in recent times I've thought about losing that camaraderie of women thing. That thing that's like, "we're women against the world" kind of thing. I've NEVER felt that way before until I was about to lose it. You don't know what you've got 'til it's gone, I guess. Weird.

Part 2: Surgery date set

So I have been putting off writing this post for a while since we've been super busy.

I am 10 days on testosterone (nothing happening) and I set my surgery date for July 22.

I am thrilled that HealthPartners approved my prior authorization for top surgery within literally three days of it being submitted. What an amazing thing to have such a supportive insurance company!

I am super nervous about surgery because I've never had anything more than my wisdom teeth removed.  It is really scary to think about being put under anesthesia for up to six or so hours. I really hope she does it faster than that, but I also understand that I want her to take her time and do a good job, so I don't want a rush job. I think she's a bit of a perfectionist, however, so I think that's a good thing.

I can't believe this is really happening to me.  The thing I have wanted the most in all the world (other than a wonderful partner and a family, which I have already) is coming true. It is really hard to believe that after all this time I'm finally going to become the person I always wanted to be.

In other news, we got a new puppy and a new car.