It begins

On January 27, 2013 I had a bit of an epiphany: I can no longer live in this body.

January 27, 2013 was not the first time I'd thought this.  But on that date it became implausible for me to continue to live as female.

I broke down that night to my partner, sobbing; stating that I wanted to "be a boy." It was heartbreaking for her.  The next day she confronted me about it and we had a really long discussion and decided that now was the time to transition.

But let's back up a few years.

During the 2003-2004 school year (I was in graduate school at the time) I began the transition process.  I saw a therapist for several months and then moved to DC where I anticipated continuing my transition through therapy and ultimately hormones and surgery.  I was starting over in a new place with new friends and a new job.  But things didn't go as planned. My parents came back into my life and I felt that I couldn't transition and that I could be happy being genderqueer.

But the idea to transition never left me.  It was always there in the back of my mind, calling to me.

In fact, the whole thing started years ago.  I was always a tomboy. I tried very hard to make my parents happy. I'm an only child so it was really important for me to make my parents happy.  But I definitely preferred pants to dresses and blues and greens to pinks and purples.  I distinctly recall asking my mom once upon a time, "can I be a boy?"  with her answering, "someday you'll like being a girl."   But that never came to fruition.  I never enjoyed being a girl.  I didn't enjoy girl things.  I wanted to shop in the boys' department.  I wanted to be "one of the guys."  I wanted that my whole life.

When I was 19 (1995) I discovered the concept of transgender.  I read the book Stone Butch Blues by Leslie Feinberg and I knew the minute I finished that book that I wanted to be a boy. However, I had no role models other than Leslie and "Jess."  Where were transguys that I could find and emulate?  No where that I knew of.  So I sat on it.  And it tormented me.  I started identifying as transgender in 1998 when I graduated from college. That was how I checked the boxes on surveys; it was what I thought of myself as.  But I still had no role models.

One Voice Mixed Chorus changed all that.  Finally, here were transmen and women who were living the lives they wanted.  The concept of transition became more than just that, a concept, for me at that point. But I was afraid.  I was afraid of losing my family, I was afraid of losing my friends and my community. I also was far from being able to afford it, insurance or not.  So I continued to sit on my dream of becoming a boy, torturing myself for years.

Now my partner volunteers at the MN Transgender Health Coalition Shot Clinic on Fridays and I see transguys of all stripes every day.  Everyone on the gender spectrum heads to  Cafe SouthSide/The Exchange and the clinic.  It is beautiful, and it made it seem even more possible.

So that's what brought me to January 27, 2013. I finally knew that I could become a man and I finally couldn't take it anymore.