Oh happy day. March 20, 2013.
I set up consults with Dr. Thorp (trans-friendly OB/GYN) and Dr. Buckley (plastic surgery) for the end of May. Hopefully I'll have my letter by May 20th (that's three months following my initial Feb. 20, 2013 visit with the therapist) and I can get going when I meet up with them!
Wednesday, March 20, 2013
Part 1: MMPI
So this week (week of March 18, 2013) I took the Minnesota Multiphasic Personality Indicator (MMPI-2). This is a personality test designed to figure out whether you're crazy or not, essentially. Many therapists require it prior to writing a letter because they want to make sure that you're not going to decompensate once you start T or have surgery. They do it in part to protect themselves, but also to protect you.
Well, it turns out, I'm not crazy. My therapist has the psychologist score the test on both the male and female axis, so that you can see how it turns out in either way. So, on the female side I end up on the high side in impulsivity and being interested in things that are typically male. When scored male, I end up right in the normal range of everything. So that was interesting. AND it showed no sign of a mood disorder at all, which means my depression is well controlled, which is fantastic.
I'm feeling better about myself after taking the test and hearing the evaluation and hearing the psychologist consider me a normal, healthy person who is capable of handling transition well.
Perhaps, when it comes time to have a PhD level consult, he can be my guy. He was super great.
Well, it turns out, I'm not crazy. My therapist has the psychologist score the test on both the male and female axis, so that you can see how it turns out in either way. So, on the female side I end up on the high side in impulsivity and being interested in things that are typically male. When scored male, I end up right in the normal range of everything. So that was interesting. AND it showed no sign of a mood disorder at all, which means my depression is well controlled, which is fantastic.
I'm feeling better about myself after taking the test and hearing the evaluation and hearing the psychologist consider me a normal, healthy person who is capable of handling transition well.
Perhaps, when it comes time to have a PhD level consult, he can be my guy. He was super great.
Thursday, March 14, 2013
Part 1: Therapy 3
I feel like I've had my reins pulled up short. I had what I felt like was a disheartening meeting with Scott yesterday. He talked about taking T and then changing my name without having top surgery. That seems dangerous and stupid to me. I can't pass with a chest the size of mine and I really don't think that having a male name and a female gender marker on your ID is a safe thing to do.
What I really want is to start T and have top surgery about the same time. WPATH says this is okay.
I'm totally okay with seeing Scott for at lest three months before he writes a letter for anything, but I really don't think it is okay to do what he suggested.
So, I feel taken down a peg and worried about where this is or isn't going.
What I really want is to start T and have top surgery about the same time. WPATH says this is okay.
I'm totally okay with seeing Scott for at lest three months before he writes a letter for anything, but I really don't think it is okay to do what he suggested.
So, I feel taken down a peg and worried about where this is or isn't going.
Part 1: Research
We had done a bunch of research between January 27, 2013 and February 20, 2013. We looked at insurance policies and legal documents and how to change names and birth certificates and drivers' licenses. We had the HealthPartners policy all printed out and ready to go. We looked at in-network therapists etc...We were looking at EVERYTHING and we thought we had it pretty nailed down.
But for some reason, on March 11, 2013, I checked out the HealthPartners policy one more time and it had changed! Initially they required therapy for six months with top surgery allowed at the same time as hormones IF the person couldn't pass without it. So that covered me. So, we figured, surgery in late summer. But with a revision on 2/13/2013, the policy changed! Now they were following, to the letter, the WPATH Standards of Care Version 7. This means no required amount of time for therapy and no requirement for hormones before top surgery. Boy, I was excited.
But for some reason, on March 11, 2013, I checked out the HealthPartners policy one more time and it had changed! Initially they required therapy for six months with top surgery allowed at the same time as hormones IF the person couldn't pass without it. So that covered me. So, we figured, surgery in late summer. But with a revision on 2/13/2013, the policy changed! Now they were following, to the letter, the WPATH Standards of Care Version 7. This means no required amount of time for therapy and no requirement for hormones before top surgery. Boy, I was excited.
Part 1: Coming out
After that second meeting with Scott I came out to lots of my close friends. It felt good. Like getting this huge weight off my chest finally. I was on my way.
My partner and I strategized coming out to more friends and more family. We made a list of people who needed to know in a personal way. We made a list of people who could just get an email and those who needed an in-person conversation.
And then we talked about my family. And we strategized about how to come out to my immediate family and how to come out to my extended family. Basically, we decided to cut my dad's family out of the picture, out of fear, and we decided to tackle my parents and my aunts, uncles and cousins through carefully timed letters, either e-mail or by hand.
My partner and I strategized coming out to more friends and more family. We made a list of people who needed to know in a personal way. We made a list of people who could just get an email and those who needed an in-person conversation.
And then we talked about my family. And we strategized about how to come out to my immediate family and how to come out to my extended family. Basically, we decided to cut my dad's family out of the picture, out of fear, and we decided to tackle my parents and my aunts, uncles and cousins through carefully timed letters, either e-mail or by hand.
Part I: Therapy 2
February 4, 2013 I met with Scott a second time and this time we covered the process of coming out as a lesbian at 19 and my dating and relationship history and my gender identity history.
Scott even mentioned my potential letter for hormones at this time. He said three months was what he needed to write the letter for hormones. This got me really excited. Maybe a bit too excited, in retrospect.
At that meeting with Scott I was able to tell him that I had come out to my book club friends and they had accepted me. I was afraid to come out to them, my closest friends, because I was worried that they'd laugh at me since they had been with me through the first "attempt" at transition that failed.
But they did not laugh. They were super supportive and it is good to know that they love me.
Scott even mentioned my potential letter for hormones at this time. He said three months was what he needed to write the letter for hormones. This got me really excited. Maybe a bit too excited, in retrospect.
At that meeting with Scott I was able to tell him that I had come out to my book club friends and they had accepted me. I was afraid to come out to them, my closest friends, because I was worried that they'd laugh at me since they had been with me through the first "attempt" at transition that failed.
But they did not laugh. They were super supportive and it is good to know that they love me.
Part I: Therapy
Feburary 20th, 2013 was the first big step in my journey to become a man.
That day I met my therapist, Scott, for the first time. I shared with him my life story. He wanted to know about my family, my education, what it was like for me growing up, and my mental health history. It was really nice to have this open ear, listening to me tell my story about how I became who I am.
That day I met my therapist, Scott, for the first time. I shared with him my life story. He wanted to know about my family, my education, what it was like for me growing up, and my mental health history. It was really nice to have this open ear, listening to me tell my story about how I became who I am.
It begins
On January 27, 2013 I had a bit of an epiphany: I can no longer live in this body.
January 27, 2013 was not the first time I'd thought this. But on that date it became implausible for me to continue to live as female.
I broke down that night to my partner, sobbing; stating that I wanted to "be a boy." It was heartbreaking for her. The next day she confronted me about it and we had a really long discussion and decided that now was the time to transition.
But let's back up a few years.
During the 2003-2004 school year (I was in graduate school at the time) I began the transition process. I saw a therapist for several months and then moved to DC where I anticipated continuing my transition through therapy and ultimately hormones and surgery. I was starting over in a new place with new friends and a new job. But things didn't go as planned. My parents came back into my life and I felt that I couldn't transition and that I could be happy being genderqueer.
But the idea to transition never left me. It was always there in the back of my mind, calling to me.
In fact, the whole thing started years ago. I was always a tomboy. I tried very hard to make my parents happy. I'm an only child so it was really important for me to make my parents happy. But I definitely preferred pants to dresses and blues and greens to pinks and purples. I distinctly recall asking my mom once upon a time, "can I be a boy?" with her answering, "someday you'll like being a girl." But that never came to fruition. I never enjoyed being a girl. I didn't enjoy girl things. I wanted to shop in the boys' department. I wanted to be "one of the guys." I wanted that my whole life.
When I was 19 (1995) I discovered the concept of transgender. I read the book Stone Butch Blues by Leslie Feinberg and I knew the minute I finished that book that I wanted to be a boy. However, I had no role models other than Leslie and "Jess." Where were transguys that I could find and emulate? No where that I knew of. So I sat on it. And it tormented me. I started identifying as transgender in 1998 when I graduated from college. That was how I checked the boxes on surveys; it was what I thought of myself as. But I still had no role models.
One Voice Mixed Chorus changed all that. Finally, here were transmen and women who were living the lives they wanted. The concept of transition became more than just that, a concept, for me at that point. But I was afraid. I was afraid of losing my family, I was afraid of losing my friends and my community. I also was far from being able to afford it, insurance or not. So I continued to sit on my dream of becoming a boy, torturing myself for years.
Now my partner volunteers at the MN Transgender Health Coalition Shot Clinic on Fridays and I see transguys of all stripes every day. Everyone on the gender spectrum heads to Cafe SouthSide/The Exchange and the clinic. It is beautiful, and it made it seem even more possible.
So that's what brought me to January 27, 2013. I finally knew that I could become a man and I finally couldn't take it anymore.
January 27, 2013 was not the first time I'd thought this. But on that date it became implausible for me to continue to live as female.
I broke down that night to my partner, sobbing; stating that I wanted to "be a boy." It was heartbreaking for her. The next day she confronted me about it and we had a really long discussion and decided that now was the time to transition.
But let's back up a few years.
During the 2003-2004 school year (I was in graduate school at the time) I began the transition process. I saw a therapist for several months and then moved to DC where I anticipated continuing my transition through therapy and ultimately hormones and surgery. I was starting over in a new place with new friends and a new job. But things didn't go as planned. My parents came back into my life and I felt that I couldn't transition and that I could be happy being genderqueer.
But the idea to transition never left me. It was always there in the back of my mind, calling to me.
In fact, the whole thing started years ago. I was always a tomboy. I tried very hard to make my parents happy. I'm an only child so it was really important for me to make my parents happy. But I definitely preferred pants to dresses and blues and greens to pinks and purples. I distinctly recall asking my mom once upon a time, "can I be a boy?" with her answering, "someday you'll like being a girl." But that never came to fruition. I never enjoyed being a girl. I didn't enjoy girl things. I wanted to shop in the boys' department. I wanted to be "one of the guys." I wanted that my whole life.
When I was 19 (1995) I discovered the concept of transgender. I read the book Stone Butch Blues by Leslie Feinberg and I knew the minute I finished that book that I wanted to be a boy. However, I had no role models other than Leslie and "Jess." Where were transguys that I could find and emulate? No where that I knew of. So I sat on it. And it tormented me. I started identifying as transgender in 1998 when I graduated from college. That was how I checked the boxes on surveys; it was what I thought of myself as. But I still had no role models.
One Voice Mixed Chorus changed all that. Finally, here were transmen and women who were living the lives they wanted. The concept of transition became more than just that, a concept, for me at that point. But I was afraid. I was afraid of losing my family, I was afraid of losing my friends and my community. I also was far from being able to afford it, insurance or not. So I continued to sit on my dream of becoming a boy, torturing myself for years.
Now my partner volunteers at the MN Transgender Health Coalition Shot Clinic on Fridays and I see transguys of all stripes every day. Everyone on the gender spectrum heads to Cafe SouthSide/The Exchange and the clinic. It is beautiful, and it made it seem even more possible.
So that's what brought me to January 27, 2013. I finally knew that I could become a man and I finally couldn't take it anymore.
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